What drives you?

I think this past year I have struggled with what drives me. I am passionate about many things, but the combination of having Chloe, Ryan's stress at his job and then losing his job has taken its toll. If you had told me 3 years ago that we would be going through this, I wouldn't have believed you. We loved Tennessee, had a wonderful church home where Ryan was on staff part time and held down a full time accounting job, and I was working part time at Kohls. No, it wasn't ideal and we had goals for ourselves to be in a better place but then the bottom dropped out. Ryan lost both jobs, struggled to find a permanent job and was unemployed for awhile. We couldn't keep up financially which eventually resulted in losing our house to foreclosure. Broken in spirit and finances, somehow God provided and we found ourselves moving to Brazil, Indiana. So here we are--not where we thought we'd be--facing unemployment again for Ryan and a whole lot of uncertainty. When life hands us these kinds of surprises, is it any wonder we get worn down, feel beaten and defeated? Ryan and I were talking about how much we hate the word perseverance. Why? Well, isn't it obvious?! We don't like persevering, we don't feel like it, we want life to give us a break for once and for it to last a long, long time. Yeah, I get that God has a purpose, but why here, why now and why like this? Can't you show me You've got purpose in some other way God? I am spending time with you, I am in You Word every day, I believe in You and have believed in You all my life so is this a test of my loyalty? My faith in You? What is it?! I want my passion, my drive to come back but I feel more often that it is 2 steps forward and 100 back. Life is beating me up a lot lately, and moments of peace and strength are few and far between. I told God the other day that I got it, I will follow, I will serve, I will do what You want me to do but why can't You just show me? Why is it so hard to see You right now? I don't like wondering where You are. So, I am spending more time talking to Him, and it is not always a pleasant conversation if you know what I mean. I have been reading a lot, finding encouragement and wisdom from some great resources that I hadn't taken the time to read until now. It may only be a couple pages here and there, but for me right now that is a lot. So, thanks to David Crowder, Louie Giglio and Patrick Cavanaugh for getting my mind going and keeping it going. I believe it is sinking in, and it is going to stick so let's see if I can reflect it once I have had a chance to absorb it.
Matthew 22:37 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' (The Message)
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