Ryan and I got out of the house for a date last night. It was just an hour, got a sundae at McD's and went to the park, just the two of us. First time since Chloe's birth and some much needed alone time to just take some time alone and talk. It may not seem like much in terms of what a date night should be, but it was so needed. How are we? Well, if you've been reading my blog this week you know it hasn't been great. We are taking it a day at a time. Ryan is working a job he hates, but it is a paycheck that we need. He's got a couple of other prospects this week but like this job they are also just jobs. I shared in my blog yesterday a lot of questions I am pondering, and the state of my heart and mind right now is not great. I am struggling once again to understand His purpose for this time. This waiting, this season of uncertainty. I realize it is only uncertain to me, not to Him. Yes I get that the point of faith is trusting in the unseen, but I am having a hard time with it. I want to see something, just a glimpse. It is easy for me to say it isn't too much to ask, but I have been thinking today, perhaps I am asking too much of God? Is this another lesson in patience, growing my faith, my trust in Him? I want so much for Ryan and I to be in a better place than we are at this time. I want so much for both of us to be whole again, to be filled up and poured out in ministry, adn we are both so hungry for purpose. We know He is not finished with either one of us yet. We have been strengthened, blanketed with comfort by the prayers of our family and friends. As hard as it is to be in this season, the support we have helps us endure it. I heard Josh Wilson's song yesterday on the way home, "Before the Morning", and the timing of it couldn't have been more perfect. I have been so tired, so weary, for so long and the words of this song lifted me up just when I needed it most. The chorus kept circling in my mind long after the song ended. Encouragement to hold on, wait for the light, know that the pain we are feeling is just the dark before the morning. I am sure a lot of people are experiencing struggle today on a completely different level, and because of that I am humbled by the realization of just how blessed I am. No matter the struggle, thank goodness we can all say that we have a God who loves us deeply and can handle it all.
Joy and Light
Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come. We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing. When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived. I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm. I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it. My brain understood she was gone, no longer there. But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once. It felt like time kind of stopped, s...
Comments