Recomputing....

Wouldn't it be nice if when life hands us something we don't want, we could simply push a button and find another pathway to what we want? It wouldn't be so different from one of those navigational systems a lot of people have in their cars. If you don't follow the directions it gives you and you miss a turn or something, it automatically starts to calculate another route. But the thing is, it is recomputing based on the original destination that was entered when your journey began. So, if God is the one charting our path, then His way is the way we will be going. If I am stubborn enough, frustrated enough, fed up enough with my current situation that I literally throw my hands up and say I want it my way, then sure, I can simply put in a new destination and be on my way. The difference is now I am on the path I have chosen for myself, in haste, in anger, in bitterness and without a care for what God may have planned for me. I have made this choice in the past on several occasions, and it didn't end well. My path is not a path of God's design, it is one of selfish motivation only. I realize God's design is perfect and requires my trust and obedience in Him. How many of us are ready to relinquish our visions and dreams to one act of simply trusting and obeying God? I have to admit in the midst of our current struggle and the blows life has thrown our way, I am hesitating to do just that. I don't like this God! I don't want to trust or obey you because look where it has gotten us now?! Why should I trust you now and risk losing more, hurting more, being disappointed and heartbroken yet again?! Yeah, it is easy to blame Him. After all, He's the one who has allowed all of this to happen right? How quickly we look for someone or something to blame when we are down and out. As I have been walking through this struggle, I find myself blaming the people of God as well as God. All my life, growing up a pastor's kid I was surrounded by men and women of God, who influenced me, mentored me, and loved me as only the family of God can. Unfortunately, it was not communicated to me til later on and I had to find out from personal experience that the people of God are just that--people. Sunday School teachers, deacons, elders, pastors, whatever their role was I found myself putting a few of them on pedestals. None of us should be put in that position because we are all incredibly weak, stupid and fragile human beings. It only takes one moment of temptation, one moment of loss in one's own pride/arrogance, one moment of allowing our humanity to determine our path rather than God to impact someone else for a lifetime. This is where I stand today. I am aware now more than any other moment in my life that we put way too much confidence and faith in our churches rather than in our God. I don't like the shape I have seen many churches take today. And quite frankly, a lot of us have become very comfortable with that shape. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be part of something authentic and genuine, a movement of God's people without fences defined by a denomination. I believe this is steering my need to not go to church for awhile. I find myself longing more and more for seclusion with God. Perhaps this is part of preparation for what He has next for Ryan and I. I don't know. I just know this is where I find myself on the journey today.