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Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I have been trying to get caught up at work since returning from maternity leave, but as anyone knows there's plenty to do and not enough time in the day to get it all done. Well, at least I can't seem to get as much done as I would like. Today is not looking much better especially since I get to cover for 3 people-Yay! (Can you feel my sarcasm in that last remark?) Days like this all that keeps me going is knowing the day will come to an end. For years what has kept me going as I have worked outside the home, my greatest desire and my prayer has been that some day I could be home full time with my children. I worked retail for awhile, enjoying the flexibility of part time work that allowed me to be home during the day and work nights and weekends. What started out as being a short term thing turned in to a long term thing when Ryan's job situation changed. Unemployment, especially long term, changes the situation dramatically. When this job in Brazil opened up for Ryan, it didn't include benefits so once again, I found myself stepping up and resigning myself to the idea that I could do this just a little bit longer. So here we were, settling in to a wonderful small town community and an incredible church family. We were thinking we could be here long term so we started looking at buying a house. That possibility soon disappeared when Ryan was asked to resign in January. Extremely pregnant and a new, higher level of stress do not go together well. So, nearly five months later we have a new baby, a lot less income and a whole lot of uncertainty as to what is ahead of us. I am thankful for God's provision, because without it we could not make it. I am certain if we didn't have the support we do have, we would be in a completely different, desperate situation. I had hoped and prayed for years that by this point in my life things would be a whole lot better and whole lot different than they are. I am disappointed, discouraged and just plain fed up. I want my husband to be in a job that is beyond his dreams and takes care of our family. Is that too much to ask? My faith is being tested, and I literally found myself crying out to God through tears gushing down my face that now, now would be the best time to do something. Why can't something happen when we truly need it? I know I will get on the other side of this uncertainty and discouragement, but the weight of our situation is just too much for me to bear right now. I know I should take strength from my devotional today but it is difficult. I need to think on this some more, pray on it and hope that as a result of this entry I will find strength in the prayers of others. It is amazing how in my weakest, darkest moments God provides through the prayers of others. I need it more than ever today.
I want to live a life that is abundant, not just barely surviving by the end of one day. I know it will get better, it is just hard to see right now. Somehow, some way restoration is coming for me. I know I need to keep the faith, I know it.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

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