Matthew 6:20-21 tells me that "The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." (The Message)

I am meditating on Psalm 19 today. It talks about God's amazing creation and how it speaks of Him. His glory, His majesty is all around us, crying out to us through a sunrise and sunset, through the power of a storm, through the beauty of flowers in bloom. Creation speaks His name, my life should do the same. God in His amazing power and wisdom will make me whole, will be evident in how I live day to day. So why do I feel so inadequate, broken, unable to grasp this? What do I treasure right now? I know what I should treasure, I can say all the right answers here. These past few weeks I've been doing a lot of personal evaluation of my life. I have found it to be very easy to find fault in myself, in my husband, in others. I am tired of hearing all the predictable and well known answers that everyone gives in times of crisis. I know what the Bible says, I know the familiar stories of those who have gone before me and suffered horribly in comparison to anything I have for the sake of Christ. Life happened to people back then just like it does today, and I realize it was not any different how they handled it than how I am handling it. I am certain when Job was hit by the loss of his home, his family, all of his wealth and physical ailments, he was asking God in ways that weren't even penned in the Bible, "What the FAT is going on God?! How can you do this to me when I have been nothing but faithful to You?!" Even if we didn't read it, I think you'd agree with me at some point he had to be feeling this way. What happens when our heart and mind no longer want to cope with a struggle? Not just any struggle but one that rocks you to your core, makes you do a complete overhaul kind of look at your life and go, "What could be next? Am I even ready for it?" My treasure. What and where is it right now? I know it should be God. I know I should not be consumed by the cares of this world, but right now I am. The hardest thing for me to grasp right now in this whole evaluation of my life is what could have been. I have prided myself the entirety of our marriage on being Ryan's biggest encouragement, his cheerleader, his biggest fan. When life got us down, I was in his face telling him what was what and that he needed to pull it together and move forward. Admittedly, there have been moments that I have found myself spent, exhausted, done. I want so much for him, but I cannot do it for him. I can't, nobody else can make this thing he wants so bad magicly appear and be offered to him on a silver platter. The reality was, we needed for him to work--no matter what--in order to survive. What resulted was him blowing up, me blowing up and the magnitude of our situation truly slapping us in the face. I would love for a job in worship ministry to land in his lap today, but I can't do anything to make that happen. So, where was God in that moment of tough realization? I don't know, and I am still wondering where He is. Ryan started a job yesterday that he doesn't like but it provides some form of income for us that we need to survive. My capacity for handling a million different things is maxed out right now. I return to work next week and I am not happy about it, not looking forward to it but I have no choice but to just do it. I feel as if I am running on fumes in terms of my ability to cope. I know I need to turn it all over to God, and trust that He is going to carry me through this, but I can't seem to do that. Being hurt, being burned, being let down and disappointed by life can leave us so wounded that we can't even muster the strength to believe in something better. My treasure? Right now, I treasure survival. Right now, I can't see beyond what lies right in front of my face. My family needs me and somehow I must move forward for their sake. I am hoping and praying that somehow in the midst of this I am able to really let go and let God.
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