It seems these days the only thing I am overflowing with is emotion. I nearly burst into tears every time I sit down and nurse Chloe. It doesn't take much on the tv, a great dramatic show or a heart felt commercial for me to tear up and wimper like a little girl. Emotions are running high for me for a whole lot of reasons. I had a heart to heart with God this morning. I told Him I just don't get it. I know He hasn't moved, I know He is there and yet...I can't find Him. I realize what I am going through, how I am dealing with our current situation is the reason. I am still purging a lot of junk from my system. I can't seem to get past this and it is taking longer than I expected. I expect myself to bounce back quickly, whether it is this thing we are going through or recovering from having Chloe just 5 weeks ago. I hate being down and out, and I hate slowing down. I want to be doing this or that, keeping up a normal pace, able to accomplish exactly what I have set out to do. Perhaps that is part of the problem as well. I haven't really let it all go and slowed down to give God my all. I know He can handle it all, but for some reason I don't want to relinquish control. Why isn't it enough to just know Him, be with Him, love Him and sense His perfect peace? I don't know, but it is what I am experiencing right now. I want to move past this, and I believe I will, but it may take some time. He made us, gave us so much responsiblity in this life and so many times we screw it up. I haven't screwed anything up, but for some reason God allowed someone else to screw up what we thought was a great plan and now we stand in this canyon of uncertainty. Somehow, some way He's got it all under control and He is going to make something good of it all whether it makes sense to me or not. I want His presence, His peace that passes all understanding to be enough...but I am failing to grasp it right now. Clearly I have a lot of work to do in my walk with Christ, and I need to allow Him to break me down and build me back up. It isn't going to be fun, and it will be painful but it is necessary. And when I get there, when I find myself coming out of this thing and looking back from the other side I know my heart and soul will overflow with something better, something wonderful, something that says I am changed and transformed for the better.
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