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Showing posts from April, 2011
Ryan and I got out of the house for a date last night. It was just an hour, got a sundae at McD's and went to the park, just the two of us. First time since Chloe's birth and some much needed alone time to just take some time alone and talk. It may not seem like much in terms of what a date night should be, but it was so needed. How are we? Well, if you've been reading my blog this week you know it hasn't been great. We are taking it a day at a time. Ryan is working a job he hates, but it is a paycheck that we need. He's got a couple of other prospects this week but like this job they are also just jobs. I shared in my blog yesterday a lot of questions I am pondering, and the state of my heart and mind right now is not great. I am struggling once again to understand His purpose for this time. This waiting, this season of uncertainty. I realize it is only uncertain to me, not to Him. Yes I get that the point of faith is trusting in the unseen, but I am …
Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I have been trying to get caught up at work since returning from maternity leave, but as anyone knows there's plenty to do and not enough time in the day to get it all done. Well, at least I can't seem to get as much done as I would like. Today is not looking much better especially since I get to cover for 3 people-Yay! (Can you feel my sarcasm in that last remark?) Days like this all that keeps me going is knowing the day will come to an end. For years what has kept me going as I have worked outside the home, my greatest desire and my prayer has been that some day I could be home full time with my children. I worked retail for awhile, enjoying the flexibility of part time work that allowed me to be home during the day and work nights and weekends. What started out as being a short term thing turned in to a long term thing when Ryan's job situation changed. Unemployment, especially long term, changes the situation dramat…
At one point today I honestly felt like Monday had never ended. It seemed that the day had just bled right in to today. And then when I realized it was Tuesday, well, that just didn't make me feel any better. Such is the life for me. I keep telling myself it will get better, the baby part I mean. At some point I will get more than 5 hours of sleep again and oh my goodness, when was the last time Ryan and I had a date night?! Ooh, not good. Okay, so life is a bit blurry and ragged around the edges for me right now, but in my state I can still say I am very blessed. Since Easter rolled in this year I have made time in my thought process, in my time to myself to think about what we have to be thankful for. It is easy in our human nature when we are met with something unexpected and difficult to get bogged down, depressed and down right bitter about what we have lost, what we don't have. There are days I definitely could let myself go, wallow in it. I choose not to, and…
I am so tired of rain and just plain ugly weather. I love spring and everything blooming, bright and beautiful. The weather has a huge impact on my mood. It is Monday, and as most Mondays go I had way too much to do and didn't make near the dent I'd hoped to at work. My devotional this morning was a challenge mentally. It really pointed to where we are seeking God. Too many times we are drawn by a great song, a great message, a great drama and suddenly there's God. How often do we seek Him in the day to day? He is there, plain as day but we go through the week so busy and caught up in what we have to get done that we completely miss Him. I think I realized today that it takes some extra oomph to find Him. This is especially true when you consider I am NOT a morning person and I need a half a pot of coffee just to get myself in any way functioning for the day. I will admit that seeking God in the day to day is not something I practice. I hope to start doing more…

Jesus Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Today is the day! He is risen and we are so thankful! It is amazing to me that one man chose to do something so selfless, so wonderful for you and for me. I don't know that in my humanity I will ever be able to fully comprehend this. We had family worship today and it was sweet. I watched as my children sang and played along as Ryan led us in several songs. It is so good to hear the sound of our own family singing praises to the King, having our own home church service. We have never done this before and I want to do it again. I know we need to gather in corporate worship with our church family, but today was something different that we as a family needed. I believe our time of worship at home will help us stay focused and bonded as a family as we continue to wait through this season of uncertainty. This past week I had more difficult moments than good moments, but I savor the good knowing that God is taking care of me all the time. We are not promised an easy life, but…
Easter weekend is approaching and for the first time ever our family is not going to corporate worship. This year we are going to have family worship. If the weather cooperates we may go to a park and have our own celebration in the beauty of the outdoors and enjoy a picnic lunch. My mind is already whirring with an idea for an Easter cake and we'll do our own egg hunt for the kids. I am looking forward to a very special and memorable Easter weekend with my sweet family. I am so blessed to have Ryan and the kids. I can't imagine my life without them.
I read Psalm 40 this morning in my quiet time and more wonderful insight from David Crowder. It is a psalm we can all relate to in our walk with Christ. It echoes the cry of my heart, asking where God is. The psalmist acknowledges God's rescue in our times of great need and how truly great He is. Inevitably, uncertainty creeps back in again and the psalmist is once again crying out for help. I love this part, because…

How about a crumb, Lord?

It's Monday and just after noon and I am already so tired. Life rushed at me this morning and it just about knocked me on my back side. I had to get 4 kids up and going by myself. Here's the day's snapshot for you:
5:15 am Ryan and I are both up. He is getting ready for work, I am nursing Chloe.
5:32 am Ryan is off to work.
5:45 am Chloe is done and asleep-Yay! Now I got to get myself ready.
6:30 am Bailey is already up and getting himself ready. I think my 10 year old boy is the perkiest one of the bunch today.
6:38 am Rylee and AJ are up and all of us are getting some breakfast and getting ourselves ready to go.
6:50 am Got Chloe dressed and in her car seat. Check diaper bag is stocked, bottles ready, my purse, my lunch and the breast pump all ready to go. Geez, it looks like I am packing up for a trip somewhere other than just a work day!
7:14 am We are out the door and headed to daycare.
7:21 am Get Chloe checked in and ready for her first day. So not liking this!! I…

Anointed

We are anointed with purpose, each and every one of us. The question is, Are we living it? This morning I heard from a popular pastor in his televised message that we need to ignore those who would tear us down and don't agree with who we are. So many of us live to receive the approval of others, whether it is our family, our friends, our church. We can make ourselves miserable trying to please others and live up to their expectations. Whose approval should we seek? That's easy: God's. If we are truly living a life that reflects Christ and who He has anointed us to be, then we will know true joy and peace. I want that for myself and for Ryan, and right now we are both struggling with that. I know what my heart and soul longs to do, what my gifts and abilities are as does Ryan. So what happens when life creates barriers? Find a way, live in His purpose and His calling upon your life any way that you can. I am hoping and praying that we find the strength to push…

What drives you?

I think this past year I have struggled with what drives me. I am passionate about many things, but the combination of having Chloe, Ryan's stress at his job and then losing his job has taken its toll. If you had told me 3 years ago that we would be going through this, I wouldn't have believed you. We loved Tennessee, had a wonderful church home where Ryan was on staff part time and held down a full time accounting job, and I was working part time at Kohls. No, it wasn't ideal and we had goals for ourselves to be in a better place but then the bottom dropped out. Ryan lost both jobs, struggled to find a permanent job and was unemployed for awhile. We couldn't keep up financially which eventually resulted in losing our house to foreclosure. Broken in spirit and finances, somehow God provided and we found ourselves moving to Brazil, Indiana. So here we are--not where we thought we'd be--facing unemployment again for Ryan and a whole lot of uncertainty. When …

I trust You

I was walking yesterday afternoon, wind was a bit cool but it was really beautiful. Chris Tomlin came up on my mp3 player,
"Where You go, I'll go, Where You stay, I'll stay, When You move, I'll move, I will follow. Who You love, I'll love, How You serve, I'll serve, If this life I lose I will follow You."
I don't know how to describe it, but something in me broke. I found my voice to say to God, "Okay, I get it. I trust You, I really do trust You." Tears came to my eyes and as I walked I was aware of His peace. For awhile now I have been struggling to deal with all this stuff we are going through. I admit yesterday was a good day, and it doesn't mean every day will be like that. Today has not been as good but I am giving it to God and I know He'll bring me out of it. I read in my devotional today about God's role as the Vine and ours as the branches. I know I've been withering, choking from the weight of worry and do…

Transformed, Changed

I realize now more than any other moment in my life that I am flawed. I am not perfect, I am not going to get it right most of the time but I will do my best with what I've been given. This morning in our family devotional time we read Acts 9 when Saul is converted on the road to Damascus. He was so certain of what he was to do, and then God struck him. The light, His voice, and then the blindness. How many of us could stand to be blinded for a time? Would it benefit our faith? I think it would. I can't imagine how utterly dependent he was on others without the basic ability to see. Is that what it takes to really shake us up? Is this what I need--to be blinded so that I really get just how dependent I need to be on God? He is the Master of my life, the Creator of all things, my Savior, my Redeemer, the one and only true God. And yet I am in this place of such doubt and uncertainty in my faith. Do I dare ask Him to provide something miraculous to prove He is there…

Treasure

Matthew 6:20-21 tells me that "The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." (The Message)

I am meditating on Psalm 19 today. It talks about God's amazing creation and how it speaks of Him. His glory, His majesty is all around us, crying out to us through a sunrise and sunset, through the power of a storm, through the beauty of flowers in bloom. Creation speaks His name, my life should do the same. God in His amazing power and wisdom will make me whole, will be evident in how I live day to day. So why do I feel so inadequate, broken, unable to grasp this? What do I treasure right now? I know what I should treasure, I can say all the right answers here. These past few weeks I've been doing a lot of personal evaluation of my life. I have found it to be very easy to find fault in myself, in my husband, in others. I am tired of hearing all the predictable and well known answers that everyone gives in times of crisis.…

Overflowing...

It seems these days the only thing I am overflowing with is emotion. I nearly burst into tears every time I sit down and nurse Chloe. It doesn't take much on the tv, a great dramatic show or a heart felt commercial for me to tear up and wimper like a little girl. Emotions are running high for me for a whole lot of reasons. I had a heart to heart with God this morning. I told Him I just don't get it. I know He hasn't moved, I know He is there and yet...I can't find Him. I realize what I am going through, how I am dealing with our current situation is the reason. I am still purging a lot of junk from my system. I can't seem to get past this and it is taking longer than I expected. I expect myself to bounce back quickly, whether it is this thing we are going through or recovering from having Chloe just 5 weeks ago. I hate being down and out, and I hate slowing down. I want to be doing this or that, keeping up a normal pace, able to accomplish exactly what …

Finding God...

If you are like me, blessed to grow up a PK (pastor's kid) then you have been taught and influenced all your life where and when you can find God and He is there. Throughout my walk with Christ since my decision at the young age of 7, I have always known I could look for God in the most obvious places. In worship, in my Sunday School class, at choir practice, at my Bible study group meeting, in my quiet time everyday. I could go on and on, but you get the point. What happens when you can't find Him there? That is where I am right now. I found myself sitting in worship Sunday going, "Okay, God, I know all this but really....where are you???" Psalm 8 tells me that His name should be enough to drown out all things negative. When we are at our weakest, He is strongest. Phillipians 4:13 tells me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Paul knew it, was clinging to it even when he was facing a whole lot more than I will ever have to in my lifetime.…

Recomputing....

Wouldn't it be nice if when life hands us something we don't want, we could simply push a button and find another pathway to what we want? It wouldn't be so different from one of those navigational systems a lot of people have in their cars. If you don't follow the directions it gives you and you miss a turn or something, it automatically starts to calculate another route. But the thing is, it is recomputing based on the original destination that was entered when your journey began. So, if God is the one charting our path, then His way is the way we will be going. If I am stubborn enough, frustrated enough, fed up enough with my current situation that I literally throw my hands up and say I want it my way, then sure, I can simply put in a new destination and be on my way. The difference is now I am on the path I have chosen for myself, in haste, in anger, in bitterness and without a care for what God may have planned for me. I have made this choice in the past o…

Right Living

I am still soaking in Psalm 1 today. I cannot say that I thrill at God's Word, but I am working on it. It is a new Christ habit for me to meditate on one particular scripture for several days. I have decided not to label anything I do in my Christ walk simply as habit, but rather a Christ habit. It helps keep me focused, a reminder to have a fresh outlook on my time with Him. I don't want it to become what it has up to this point in my life, just another habit. I think we all fall in to that rut at one time or another in our lives when our time with God simply becomes another thing to mark off the daily checklist. Don't get me wrong--I have delighted in my time with Him, but I have had some lengthy periods in my life where it has become a bit mundane, doing it simply for the sake of getting it done and making myself feel somewhat satisfied that I have done what every Christian should do and spend daily time with God. I see now at this particular point in my life th…
Second cup of coffee, and I know I'll need a third. What would I do without coffee? I think I would not get out of bed. I would not have much motivation to get out of bed at all if it weren't for the necessity to change Chloe's diaper and nurse her. Usually I set the coffee maker the night before, but that was pre-Chloe. Post-Chloe Ryan has been doing that but not til that day. I hope to get back in the habit of setting the coffee maker the night before especially with my return to work looming ahead. I love coffee...did I say that already? It is the nectar of life especially in the sleep deprived/survival mode in which I currently reside. Thank you Lord, for coffee. My daily ritual is to grab that cup of coffee and then sit down to absorb my daily dose of the Word and some form of discussion with God. Lately those discussions have been of a more brutal nature, raw, naked and harsh perhaps. I know Ryan and I both have found ourselves lashing out at God more tha…