I don't know how to begin. I am exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually and this incredible song came on the radio this week and it has stuck with me for days. Laura Story, a gifted and amazing artist, sings "Blessings". Oh my goodness, this song was written just for me. The second verse gets me because the words, well, it is just what I am experiencing.
'We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe'
Yes, I get it God, I am weak, I cannot do a thing in this life on my own without your blessing, your purpose and your will oozing forth from it--if it is not of You, it is not to be. I get that You are here, that You haven't gone anywhere, You are not moved, shaken or surprised in any way by any of this. But I am. I don't like it, I didn't want it, and I am still having waves of doubt, wondering why and how and when. And all this I am bringing to You, God, because I know deep down I don't have to understand You completely. I just need to trust You completely. How does that work? I am at the end of myself, spent, completely worn out and yet when it is entirely possible that I could turn against You---I need You! How do people get through this without You? How do they go on? I realize now more than ever that it is completely normal to experience what I am experiencing, that the point of faith is not to have it immeasurably all the time; I need to be tested, torn, beaten up, dropped flat on my butt to realize just how desperately I need God.
I know, as Laura sings in the chorus, that through the tears, the anguish, the sleepless nights somehow my God is going to come through and my faith will not be the same. It is certain to be stronger on the other side of this. That I cannot doubt, because as much as I'd like a reason to stay mad, bitter, fed up--His promises are unfailing, His mercies are new every single day of my life. I know that simply by my ability to get out of bed and take the first steps toward having a day of possibility.
'We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe'
Yes, I get it God, I am weak, I cannot do a thing in this life on my own without your blessing, your purpose and your will oozing forth from it--if it is not of You, it is not to be. I get that You are here, that You haven't gone anywhere, You are not moved, shaken or surprised in any way by any of this. But I am. I don't like it, I didn't want it, and I am still having waves of doubt, wondering why and how and when. And all this I am bringing to You, God, because I know deep down I don't have to understand You completely. I just need to trust You completely. How does that work? I am at the end of myself, spent, completely worn out and yet when it is entirely possible that I could turn against You---I need You! How do people get through this without You? How do they go on? I realize now more than ever that it is completely normal to experience what I am experiencing, that the point of faith is not to have it immeasurably all the time; I need to be tested, torn, beaten up, dropped flat on my butt to realize just how desperately I need God.
I know, as Laura sings in the chorus, that through the tears, the anguish, the sleepless nights somehow my God is going to come through and my faith will not be the same. It is certain to be stronger on the other side of this. That I cannot doubt, because as much as I'd like a reason to stay mad, bitter, fed up--His promises are unfailing, His mercies are new every single day of my life. I know that simply by my ability to get out of bed and take the first steps toward having a day of possibility.
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