I realize my blog yesterday may leave some wondering what my point was or worry I simply don't know who I am at this point in my life. Over the course of the past few months I have had a few conversations with several women I know either at work or at church, and strangely enough like myself they too are wondering what is next at this point in their lives. I listened to comments like, "I just don't know what I want out of life right now", or "I don't know what I want to do with my life", or "I am not sure where I am headed next". At some point in the conversation I agreed with them cause I am in a similar place. Ten years ago if you had asked me where I would be at this point in my life, it would not be here. I would not have expected to be starting over for one thing, particularly going back to work full time. I would have easily predicted having several kids cause that is something I have always dreamed of. I admit I would have expected us to be a lot better off financially and for Ryan to be comfortably settled into a "job" somewhere in the music industry. Life has a funny way of dealing out surprises, and some of them are downright unfair. Our choices have not been great though, so we cannot blame life and must carry the weight of those bad decisions now. I think if I could talk to myself now, the person I was then face to face with who I am now, I would be very upset, disappointed, and angry. I find myself there many days, and it is a battle for me to deal with it. I know I must release it all to God, trust Him to give me the wisdom and strength to step forward into something better. I am already doing that, but the battle will rage on. Some days I am downright depressed, upset, would love to remain angry and resentful toward someone or something who should be responsible for where we have ended up. But then I am reminded that somehow God has purpose for it all, it all has meaning for my life in the long run. I just keep thinking someone out there is going to benefit from our testimony of how we survived this battle, this wildnerness. We all have a story of some kind to tell, the story of our lives. Hopefully our story will be a benefit to someone in the same situation one day. Hopefully I will continue to push forward, claim the promises God has for me and reach toward His goal for my life.
Joy and Light
Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come. We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing. When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived. I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm. I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it. My brain understood she was gone, no longer there. But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once. It felt like time kind of stopped, so I could have a moment to take it all in, co
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