Another Monday, everything starts over again. Nothing gets your day going like kids dragging out of bed, running late from the get go, frantically getting what I can get done before heading to work and a few unexpected things thrown in the mix. I am a ball of stress right now cause some things in my life I feel are still unsettled. For about three years now I have been going through some form of mid life crisis. I love being a wife and mother more than anything, but some of our choices and life's unexpected curves have made that more challenging for me. I am at a point in my life that I must do something more to help us get back on our feet financially. Last year was a year of huge challenge for Ryan and I and so this year not only brings with it new starts, but the even greater challenge of climbing out of the previous year's challenges. We are faced with replacing an engine in one vehicle, then there is the job situation for me, repairing our credit/debt situation which may or may not include filing for bankruptcy, living in a rental that may at any moment sell which will require us to find other housing....shall I go on? I wonder sometimes how I don't wind up driving myself into a major depression thinking about it all because it seems so impossible. There are days when I have those moments, I see myself standing on the edge of a cliff and the pull to fall is so strong. What saves me? God. Life is unpredictable and unfair all the time, so I must choose to reach for Him, trust Him, know He will not fail me even when I feel myself failing to cope with it all. Somehow I find comfort there, bury my head in his arms and just let go of it all knowing He will take care of it. I am thankful for the ways He has provided for us already, and my greatest challenge is to daily focus on what we have to be thankful for and not how we are going to accomplish this goal or that goal over the course of the months that lie ahead. Whether we are in a good or bad place in our lives, we should have this focus at all times. I am finding through this time that it keeps me more grounded in my faith than I have ever been. He provides such wisdom for us if we will accept it through His word. Proverbs is full of words regarding wisdom and how much more we benefit from it than things that are foolish and fleeting. God's got all the answers, and I don't need to know them all. What a relief.
Joy and Light
Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come. We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing. When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived. I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm. I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it. My brain understood she was gone, no longer there. But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once. It felt like time kind of stopped, s...
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