The pit of despair
I was driving home from work today, tears streaming down my face and asking God over and over again, "Why?" Between the move and waiting to get our internet set up I am just now back to my blog so I'll fill in the gap. We have moved to Brazil, Indiana, and Ryan has started his new job as worship minister at a local church. We are thankful to be here, but reality has set in. We have a hard road ahead of us. I started my job yesterday, nothing new to report there. I have worked in the retail industry for years, easy and busy work. Ryan and I are having some very intense discussions about our circumstances, how to handle it, where to go from here to get to where we would like to be. It is quite overwhelming, enough to send anyone into a pit of despair. What pushed me over the edge this week was the car. It died on the way to the shop and we have found ourselves facing yet another financial dilemma. It is going to cost a whole lot of money, money we do not have. That is on top of the debt pit we've already got to dig ourselves out of. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I am worn out. I am questioning how far I can go dealing with all of this. I know I cannot do it, I cannot carry the weight of this stuff we are dealing with on my own...somehow I have got to give it to the Father. I wonder some days if He really is there, because my humanity yearns for physical proof, a sign that He's really there. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help but think I am not the only person who questions where God is sometimes. I have been thinking about a scripture today that I know God has given me to meet that need, that question. It is in Psalm 55 verse 22, which says, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." I looked up the definition of the word 'cast' and it is defined: throw, fling/to throw off, out or away/discard, shed. I have this mental picture of myself with all this "stuff" we are dealing with balled up in my hands and I am casting it, throwing it, flinging it away, far, far away...I wish it would just disappear, not exist anymore. Wouldn't it be easier that way? In my mind of course it would be, but then there would be something else to take its place. There will always be stress in our lives, I realize that. With each fluctuation, Satan has another opportunity to dig his claws into us, attempting to turn us from God. I will not, I will not, because I know God has something to teach me through this. What lessons will I have learned and how will I testify to what the Lord has done as a result? Time will tell.