Seasons come, Seasons go

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 The reality that we are nearing the end of October, and just 2 months away from the end of 2022, is kind of hard to believe when I think about it.  I'm going to be brutally honest here:  2022 has been hard.  My Mom's health has declined significantly as the Alzheimer's/Dementia has progressed and takes away more and more of the amazing person I have known her to be my entire life.  The doctors, nurses, hospice care team have helped us know what to expect along the way, but it's a heartbreaking thing to watch unfold.  I haven't been able to shake it completely, some days are worse than others, the grief of losing her slowly hangs over me like a fog.  

I'm struggling to go to sleep tonight, too much on my mind and heart, so I'm hoping I find some sense of relief and release as I type out the words of this blog entry.  My family has experienced some significant highs and lows this year, and in recent weeks more of the latter.  I have had a couple of moments the last 3 weeks, where I have wondered silently to myself and also out loud, "God, what is the purpose of this?  Why did this have to go the way it did?"

I don't understand, I want to know why God allows things to play out the way they do.  I know it's not for me to know it all, but I still want to know why because I am tired of feeling the ache of life.  Do you know what I mean?  The things we experience in this life have the potential to shape us for better or for worse.  I am an optimist, so I have a determination in me to see the positive no matter what and keep moving forward.  But I have had some moments recently in my life that literally took the breath out of me.  Moments where I have to separate myself from everyone and everything, silence and solitude my only comfort.  Moments I have to confess my first response was not to pray, or seek the Word of God for scriptural comfort....but instead to just breathe, be in the stillness, cry.  My spiritual nature doesn't kick in first, because I have to release the junk of my human nature.  As I started to release the junk tonight, I found myself in Ephesians 6, that familiar passage about the armor of God.  The last thing I felt confident in is my ability to stand.  I'm feeling a lot more like David tonight, as he did the seemingly impossible thing facing that giant Goliath with just a sling and a stone.  I know what I need to do, but I know I can't do it alone.  I know I've got to draw from the strength that only God can provide to stand, even as life hits and hurts, I can somehow bring myself to stand.  

There's the familiar song from the Byrds, "Turn! Turn! Turn!" that says: 

'To everything (turn, turn, turn) 

There is a season (turn, turn, turn) 

And a time to every purpose, under heaven'

The only realization I can come to in my struggle, in my questions to God, in the aches of this life, is that somehow God's got a purpose for this.  He's got a plan even in this difficult season, and He will help me get through it.  

He is good and faithful, even when I don't sense it right away.  I am thankful for who He is and how He loves me.

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