The past couple weeks have been nothing short of amazing for Ryan and I. In that time frame, we have both been blessed with new jobs, very good jobs for which we are truly amazed and thankful! This is that moment, that moment we have been praying for nearly two years now. The moment when we know we've found a step up, a way to the light at the end of the tunnel that has been our most recent journey. Ryan has begun to settle in to his job, and I will be starting mine in another week. I am excited, anxious and extremely thankful! My heart is just so full! I cannot put into words, it just seems impossible to fully express our gratitude for the prayers and support we have received all this time. God is so good to provide precious family and friends, to stand beside us and walk with us through the best and the worst of times.

At the same time as we are finding ourselves in a better place, my heart is broken for family and friends who are experiencing trials right now. There are too many to detail here and even if I could, I would not because some of these are too fragile, too private to share publicly. What is always hardest to grasp for me, and has been throughout our most recent struggles, is that God knows and understands and is not surprised by it. He has a purpose, even for this...yes, this! So how can this be for my good?! It seems to me it would have been so much better for me if it hadn't happened at all! Seriously! As the days go by and I continue to ponder what God intended for me to learn from the last couple years, it honestly is my preference to not even deal with it. It would be so easy for me to get caught up in the anger, the frustration, the anxiety of it all, but the bottom line is it is not worth it. I could choose to lay down and die, but the fact of the matter is I have way too much to live for! So I will choose to give it over to God, every single stinkin' day of this life, this miserable hard life. God didn't promise any of us that life would be easy, but He promises to be with us through it. How many times has He heard us cry out to Him, "God! Please take this!" and "God, I am so freakin' weary, please give me the strength to just keep breathing!" Know what that's like? To feel so weary, so burdened and beaten down by life that it hurts just to breathe? Yeah, it sucks. Truly. There are no words for the depth of desperation, of helplessness when you truly wonder if God is going to come through or not. I was just listening to an amazing song by Plumb called "Need You Now (How Many Times)" and I've heard it many times before, but it came to me tonight like a light bulb turning on in my head. It struck me as I listened, that as many times as He's heard me cry out, He doesn't get tired of it. He wants that from me, from each of us. He wants to hear our joys, our sorrows, our anger, our desperation, to truly come to Him with every ounce of our being, every single day, throughout the day. He is our Father, and our truest friend. He longs for us to commune with Him, pour our hearts out to Him, because He loves us--oh, how He loves us!

So there's no magic formula, no. What I am finding in this new season is the importance of walking it one day at a time. There is suddenly this new depth of appreciation, for each day and what it may hold for me. I know that in my weakest, darkest moments when I fear that everyone will see the worst of me...He will lift me up and He will love me still. What an amazing, wonderful God. I read through some of James 4 again tonight. Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that You truly desire to be closer to me.
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