Weary, just so darn weary

I am having a day. Oh, I suppose a week. I am just not dealing with some stuff well and haven't been for days now. The job situation has not changed and today we found out the grocery Ryan's started at doesn't pay well, let's just say, enough. Neither does the other temp job he's had that he hasn't been getting hours for for weeks now, if he's lucky one shift out of four. Oh me. I am just weary, Lord, do You hear me? Do You get how stickin' tired we are of this?! Is it too much to ask for a ray of light? A sign? A hint of some kind that You do have something better? Why does this have to be so hard?! Can I get an amen, anybody?! Life is just plain difficult and God is good, but I am really frustrated and tired of waiting. How do we get through this? How will we ever get through this? I want it to end, I want it to change today, I want it to be better for Ryan, for me, for our children, I am so ready to move on so why, why, why can't it begin sooner rather than later? I have no tears, I have no emotion really, I am literally in this place of extreme mental clarity, questions bubbling over and the mind whirring with extreme contemplation as to how to get through this with a shred of sanity left in me. I know God is my Supply, my Refuge, my Strength, my Peace, my Hope, but God, God, God, what is going on???? We are seeking, we are crying out to You now more than ever and there are days when it feels as if we can't take one step without it feeling like that step doesn't move us in the direction of progress.

Okay so, does anyone relate? This is my state of being at this very moment. I want so much more for us than what life has handed us today. I want so badly to have the power to snap my fingers and suddenly we are in it, we are doing it, we are there. I have a greater appreciation for those of you who are going through some of the same stuff we are. It has to be said that at no other point in my life have I ever felt this helpless, not hopeless, but extremely helpless. The crazy thing is, I have this feeling in the deepest part of me that it is exactly where God intends for me to be. When it comes down to it, God knows exactly what I can and cannot handle regardless of how I feel about it. My measurement of progress is nothing compared to and cannot be compared to God's. So is this progress? I am going to have to get back to you on that. God has something to say to me, and I need to spend some time mulling this over with Him some more. He has just reminded me in my contemplative state of a great, great verse in Hebrews. Hebrews 11:1 tells us that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen". Does that verse blow your mind, because I gotta be honest I will for all of my days continue to be baffled by it! There is so much I have read and studied in my Christian walk, God has spoken so much in to my heart and mind and I think I've absorbed and understood a good portion, but this, this I continue to struggle with. Oh sure, I have brief moments of clarity but I spend so much of my time going, "God, teach me, help me get this because I just can't wrap my mind around it, I just don't get it! I really want to, but I don't." Is that the point? To always be teachable? I think that is a huge part of it. I believe God wants us to not only be willing to serve, but in that, always be teachable. That's hard, because a lot of us sure do enjoy thinking we know it all. Especially Christians. Ouch. That hurt, didn't it? As I lay down to sleep tonight, and Lord I am praying sleep will come, I am praying to be open, to be teachable, to be in a heart and soul state of willingness to take in all that God has for me. Even if that means more days like today when I am going out of my mind trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I will not give up, I will not give in to this weariness, because ultimately I know, and we all need to grasp this thing: God gets us, even though we don't get Him. He knows us, and we think we know Him but we need to see the necessity to know Him more every single day because the reality is we probably don't know Him as well as we think we do. He loves us, even though life tells us He doesn't and He is ignoring us while we are struggling. He is God, there is none like Him. He will not fail us. He will provide for us. He is. Thank you Lord. Man, what a journey.
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