Desperate times call for desperate measures
I have yet to get this blog thing down, consistent anyway. I wrote in journals for years, but recently decided to go with a blog instead. So Ryan got home from Indiana yesterday, we are making progress. This past year has been a difficult progression to this point in time. Ryan's job loss has been devastating for us on so many levels. I am so tired, emotionally, physically and spiritually. God somehow provided for Ryan and I to be a good balance for one another. When one of us is struggling, the other encourages, providing the love and support needed to climb out of the struggle. I have to admit there have been some very painful, ugly moments of desperation for both of us. I don't like to be beaten down, feeling like there is no way out of the rut we are in. There have been moments I have felt that way. There have been moments I wondered if our marriage would crumble from the weight of worry and stress we have carried. I admit I have felt at times my husband has failed me, and truly he has. But the reality is we as humans are imperfect, and so of course we are going to fail one another aren't we? That reality doesn't provide any comfort, it doesn't make it any easier to endure. I am a prideful woman, so I know I have not admitted my faults as quickly as I have pointed out his. At some point that pride has been cut down but the conviction in my heart, the love I have deep down for my sweet husband. I realize looking back at who I was when I first fell in love with him is not so different from the woman I am today. Yes, I am a little wiser, a little older, a whole lot more tired, a little heavier, a whole lot more confident and assertive than I used to be. Life truly takes some hard hits at us, and I admit it would be very easy for me to cave in and not bounce back. I'd like to think the experiences I have had made me stronger, better...but there are so many times I feel like Peter, in Matthew 14 where he steps out of the boat and walks to the Lord on the water. As soon as those waves start crashing around him, he is distracted, shaken and takes his eyes off Jesus. In that moment as he sinks, he cries out, "Save me, Lord!" and the Lord grabs him and tells him his faith is weak, and asks Peter, "Why did you doubt me?" Why do I doubt the Lord when times get so desperate, so beyond my control? Because that is the point when I must be broken, I must relinquish the weight of worry and stress to the Lord and see that He truly is the one true God, my Savior, my help in times of need. That isn't easy, and it is not comfortable but it is necessary.