Thankful and Hopeful

 It is a beautiful Spring evening here, and as usual I am up late and my mind is buzzing, can't sleep.  I am thankful for the reminder tonight in my devotional time that God is incredibly patient and gracious with me, even when I am at my absolute worst.  I'm doing better with my stress and what seems to be a slow grief that I have learned I simply just have to manage.  Dad and I talk a lot, the reality that we are all dealing with a level of anxiety we hadn't planned for.  Nobody plans to have a loved one with alzheimers/dementia, so when it happens, well it hits like a really bad dream that you just can't wake from.  It's one Mom will never wake from.  I haven't seen her in months, hope to go with Dad in the next couple of weeks.  The last few weeks he says she hasn't been very responsive, just sits and stares at the tv.  She seems to be responding positively to the activities they are doing especially music, which is a comfort knowing how much she loved to sing and play the piano.  I miss that, I miss singing with her, at home all those years ago in the basement of our home on Ventura when I was in high school, she'd play the piano, and we'd sing together.  It hurts my heart we won't be able to do that anymore.  So much we can't do together anymore, because she just isn't there, so much of her has faded.  I am thankful my God is with me, provides the strength, the hope, the peace I need through this.  I don't know how anyone goes through difficult life circumstances without God.  I have no doubt I wouldn't be where I am right now without Him, the support system around us, our family through this.  I am aware every single day of how blessed, loved, supported we are, and I am just so thankful.

It's a busy season for us, as we move into the month of May and get ready to celebrate Rylee's 26th birthday next week.  How is that possible?  How on earth am I the age that I am?  I remember my Mom being this age, and thinking that was a long way off for me.  I remember being Rylee's age, 26, married a few years, our growing family, life experiences we had hoped and prayed for and the realities unfolding in ways we didn't expect.  I look at her right now, what she has experienced and endured this past year alone.  I am so thankful she has found her way into a much healthier, happier place in her life.  

Ryan is approaching 52 toward the end of the month.  Started a new IT job last month and finding his way slowly but steadily into a new field of work that I am confident will bring him a level of professional satisfaction that he hasn't had in a long time.   God has provided a place for us both on the worship/creative arts team at our church for several years, and we are enjoying it so much without having the responsibility that comes with a church staff position.  I love seeing his heart full, his gift of music and worship pouring out as the Spirit leads him.  My favorite place to be is right by his side, sharing the love of Jesus through worship ministry together.  There's no place I'd rather be.  

AJ is graduating Willard High School in just a couple of weeks, and it falls on Mother's Day.  I can't imagine a better gift as a mother than to witness my child accomplishing something so great in his life, moving into a new season of life.  I have no clue what he is going to do, but I am excited to watch and pray as he explores the opportunities that unfold for him in the days ahead.

When it comes down to it, as time keeps slipping away, as we get a little older, and as we watch so many amazing things happen around us, I am keenly aware of what keeps me together day by day: I put my hope in God.  All day long, I find even in the most stressful moments, I can lean into His unfailing love and mercy.  He doesn't move or change, He is constant when everything else falls away.  I am so thankful, truly thankful!