-

 'My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.' Psalm 73:26

It's my birthday month.  I'm about to hit 51 with all I've got.  And all I've got is not much, but God....

Years ago I met this amazing person.   I wasn't expecting him to cross my path, but God had something in mind for me that I was not prepared for.  I am thankful for God's absolutely perfect timing, how He knows so very well and so very precisely what I need.  I was reminded in my quiet time tonight as I read those two words in the scripture 'but God', that no matter the depth of my inadequacy....He fills me.  He is my rock, my strength, my source, my anchor, my portion, my all in all.  

I still get the feeling now, not much different than I did 15-20 years ago....I'm not enough.   28 years married to my true Love, and I question it from time to time.  My oldest child is approaching 26 this year, and my youngest will be 12....I still struggle with just feeling like I haven't done enough for all four of my amazing children.  It's an immense burden and blessing to be a parent, and I hope and pray every single day that I am enough, that I am doing enough for them.  

I wonder a lot these days, as I watch my Mom's slow decline due to this terrible disease called Alzheimer's/Dementia - how often did she have this same struggle.  Mom and I were always close, late night talks before bedtime as I was growing up, and more intimate heart to heart conversations over the years as I became a wife and a mother myself.  She didn't have any groundbreaking words of wisdom, but always spoke with such unconditional love and grace.  Nothing was unspoken, we would talk about a little bit of everything.  On the other side of these talks with my Mom, I remember always feeling safe and deeply loved.   I felt content in a way that could only come from time with her.  I hope and pray I am providing that for my children too in the time we have spent together in similar conversations.  I know as I witnessed this example from my Mom over the years, it was a lasting impression not only of her, but of Father God in her.  Even as I watch her fade away, I am more aware of the absolute joy she had in knowing and loving Him.   

I know even in my weakest moments of this life, that Father God is indeed my strength and my portion, that He is enough and He is all that I need.   I know deep down that my sense of belonging in this life will never be fulfilled by something this world can provide.  I will not find it in my family, in my circle of friends, in my church, in my career, but always and only in my Father God who has saved me and loves me so.  Thank you Father, for providing your love and grace abundant for me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Joy and Light

-
 Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come.  We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing.   When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived.   I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm.  I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it.  My brain understood she was gone, no longer there.  But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once.  It felt like time kind of stopped, s...
Read more

Mission trip

-
Mission trip. The words don't do justice to the purpose, do they? What it is is so much deeper, fuller, richer than the two words actually sound like. Those two words make it sound so simple, but in reality it is an incredible journey that will impact a human life on so many levels. I have had the wonderful opportunity at several times in my life to serve in missions, both here in the United States and abroad. My parents were huge supporters of home and foreign missions all their lives, and we were raised to have a great appreciation for missions as a result. I have incredible memories of our trip to Hong Kong when I was 14 years old. I served in the summer missions program in my hometown, Springfield, Missouri, for several years working in day camps with local kids of all ages. I served in Hawaii for one summer working with some challenging kids in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in a small town on the island of Oahu. I served in Salt Lake City, Utah during the Wi...
Read more

Light in the darkness

-
Image
  'In this time of fear When prayer so often proves in vain Hope seems like the summer bird Too swiftly flown away Yet now I'm standing here My hearts so full, I can't explain Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say... There can be miracles When you believe Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill  Who knows what miracles you can achieve? When you believe, somehow you will You will when you believe' (When You Believe, songwriters: Kenneth Babyface Edmonds, Stephen Lawrence Schwartz/performed by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston "The Prince of Egypt" soundtrack 1998) I've been reminiscent recently as we are preparing for Christmas, of things that are especially meaningful to me.  The sights, the sounds, the aromas, the feelings, my mind is full of so many. One of my favorite sights as a child, still a picture in my mind even now:  The Christmas tree aglow, and one of my favorite gifts was an antique baby carriage with a beautiful antique...
Read more