Heartbreak to Hope

'A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.' -Eleanor Roosevelt

'Listen to your life.  All moments are key moments.' -Frederick Buechner

2022 has arrived, and little did I know what would start it off.  January 3, Ryan got a late night call from his Dad, the kind of call that nobody wants to get.  It was apparent to Ryan when he saw the phone call coming that night, that something must be wrong because it was not like his Dad to call us that late normally.  The next 24-48 hours, the days that followed were blurry, painful emotionally and physically, and just the beginning of a process we know we'll be working through with Ryan's Dad as we help him with this painful transition in life without his partner, his love, Maggi.  Right away, Ryan and I took time that evening to bring our children together, to embrace and weep, but also to know and grasp the beautiful hope that she was free from her body's struggles and in the arms of our Father God in eternity.  We had known in the days just prior as her lung condition had worsened, that it would not likely be very long.  We knew, but we really didn't know.  When any of us has the unfortunate and inevitable experience of witnessing a loved one, a parent, a grandparent, someone we love so dearly, losing to a physical battle from a terminal illness or condition, there's no real preparation for it.  We can either acknowledge it and attempt to deal with it as it unfolds, or we can live in denial and avoid it as if it won't actually come to a regrettable, painful end.  

I shared with a colleague today some of what I am experiencing mentally, emotionally, physically with the ongoing slow grief of my Mom's progressing Alzheimer's/Dementia compounded by the unexpected loss of my Mother in law last week; I questioned how much can a human being really take, before we break.  She shared a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I have posted at the top of this entry today.  It is remarkable what we are capable of, how much we can endure.  I have watched friends from near and far, experience some of the most horrific life circumstances and while I am certain underneath their outward appearance they are absolutely broken inside...I see a resilience, a determination, a peace-filled strength emerge as they do their best to put one foot in front of the other.  There is no doubt in my mind and in my heart, we are forever changed by these life experiences.  And as much as I would like to take a cloth and wipe away the worst experiences of my life, I pause and remind myself deep down:  it is all a part of me and has made me who I am today.  This leads me to the second quote I posted at the top of this entry from Frederick Buechner.  Listen, take it all in, and pause to embrace the full weight of your life experience.  It all matters, and it all shapes us into who we are.  It has the potential to steer us in one direction or another, as the doors of opportunity open ahead of us, day by day.  

I know there is a moment we all have after we lose someone, when we think about the last thing that was said or done.  We agonize over the desire to have had one more moment to speak love and kindness, express regret and make amends, or to just let that person know how much they truly meant to us.  As a woman of faith and follower of Christ, I recognize that wrestling I experience in my humanity is stilled and comforted all at once, when I awaken to the joy of knowing in my heart that they knew.  Deep down they truly knew how much they meant to us, and how much we meant to them.  I can't imagine having the ability to go on in this life without that perspective.  The opposite would drive me to a very dark irrecoverable place, and an existence without purpose or meaning.  Because of Christ, we have purpose beyond what is endured in our lives.  That purpose is what spurs us to press on through the hardest moments, to emerge in the light of day knowing we can move forward.  I know that is what my Grandmother would have wanted for me.  And I know that is what my Mother-in-law would have wanted as well.  We cannot give up and let the heartbreak of this life defeat us.  We must press on, we must persevere, choose to not just live well, but live life with an abundance of love, grace, and kindness.