Too Good to not Believe

 

Dry spells in writing can last what feels like an eternity, and honestly I struggle to write this now.  I have been putting it off for several days, and my daughter actually inspired me to finally stop and just do it.  She reminded me just last week of the welcome release and the therapy that comes with pouring out what we are experiencing in this life into writing.  

I went with Dad to visit Mom on Sunday afternoon.  The last few days have been burdensome for me.  My heart is aching for my Mom all over again.  I go through days of significant and just very heavy grief.  It is like a haze has drifted over me and I struggle to just make small talk, to keep a happy face, to appear 'just fine' to everyone around me including my immediate family.  I struggle to focus on conversations of just catching up with friends around me who are busy with their own lives/children/church/work/vacation/etc.  I get tired of having to explain why, and when people ask how Mom is, the dreaded response is no different than the last time they asked.  Same.  No change.  The disease is progressing.  We are somehow managing.  It's hard, but we are at peace with her being in full time care facility.  We know it's best.  We know God is taking care of her, and trust His provision through it all.

As I am saying those words, as I hear myself saying it to friends, coworkers, the random kind stranger in the grocery store line, I absolutely cringe.  I don't like that we have no better news.  I don't like what this disease is doing to her, and ultimately to our entire family.  The weight of the grief, the slow growing grief is very real and can be nearly paralyzing.  I learned at a very early age to determine to push on even in the most difficult, most painful moments of life.  I learned that determination, that perseverance from my Dad.  I have watched him go through a multitude of experiences, good and bad, and even when he didn't handle something as well as he could have-he owned it, he worked through it, he held fast to the God who has his heart, and he pressed on.  I am witnessing that to this very day as we watch my Mom fade away more and more with the progression of this terrible disease.

I watched on Sunday afternoon with a grateful but sad heart, as they embraced and spoke to each other so lovingly.  I thought for a brief moment, I wonder if she'll know him the next time he is here?  The past two weeks she has not known Dad and as you can imagine, it's heartbreaking.  

There is a battle raging in me, and I know it is for Dad, this battle between the mind and the spirit.  The raw emotion of it-the anger, the heartache, the despair, wanting so desperately to fix this for Mom, to find a solution or a cure, something to turn this around and bring her back to us.  And at the height of it, when the emotions have run their course, the tears stop and the mind is weary from it to the point of nearly numb..... When I am on the floor, in the absolute pit of it, and I realize my Father God is right there on the floor with me.....  I realize He feels it, the sheer weight of it all, the agonizing reality that there is no reversing this, and so I can finally release and trust He has got this.  I don't know what He is going to do, but I trust Him to do it.  I can't explain it, except by faith.  I can't convince you of it, except by faith.  I'm struggling to get to my feet in this, but I am because I know He will.  My heart is broken, but my spirit is not.  My mind and my body are worn down, but my belief in the absolute truth that he is too good to not believe-that is immovable and that is what keeps me going.  

Ryan shared this song with me last night and I know God timed it for just this very moment.  I was working out and muted the sound to listen as he played it, and we both were in tears as the beautiful testimony poured out from the words sung by Cody Carnes.  The song is 'Too Good to Not Believe'.  It's a song of absolute testimony of the goodness of our God, of His miraculous provision, and our witness of it in this life.  It is at this point in the song I found myself broken and fully aware of my need for my God:

'I can't resurrect a man with my own hands

But just the mention of Your name can raise the dead

All the glory to the only One who can

Jesus it's You, Jesus it's You!

I believe You're the wonder-working God

You're the wonder-working God

All the miracles I've seen

Too good to not believe

You're the wonder-working God

And You heal because You love

Oh the miracles we'll see

You're too good to not believe

Too good to not believe, Too good to not believe!'

When Dad and I talk through these 'pit' moments of this entire experience, after we acknowledge all the ick of it, we always come back to this truth:  

Our God is faithful and loving, He is with us, He never fails us and He will help us through it all.  We have each other-thank goodness, but more than that: we have our God!  He is with us in it and through it, and because of His peace that passes our understanding-we can keep going! 

He's got this, He's got us, and He is absolutely too good to not believe.