Hope lost, Hope found...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace...

Spring is here, another beautiful Easter holiday has come and gone and I should have some enlightening, joy-filled quote, saying, blessing, statement to share here that fits the focus our faith is founded upon.  I'm instead closing out another Monday following a tiring, emotional rollercoaster of a weekend as we press on and my Mom's condition worsens.  The day you receive the news that your loved one has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia marks the beginning of a very ugly and painful season of the human existence.  It is one of the most difficult things I have every experienced, and quite honestly I find it to be nearly an undoing of my faith walk with God.  I have not lost hope, but I have questioned the purpose my God has for this to linger for my Mom.  In recent weeks, my brother and I and our families, and some very dear and loving friends, have done the hard work to help my Dad get them moved from one home to another.  It is a smaller more manageable home, and it very close proximity to my brother and his family.  I am just a 15 minute drive away, so all in all it's a blessing to see this come together for my parents the way that it has this year.  This past weekend, I have cycled through what feels like another piece of the process, another layer of the grief, despair, maddening frustration I feel as we endure day after day of this horrible disease's dismantling of the woman I have known and loved from my birth.  

Tonight, as I took the brief drive home from my parents' house, a song came up on my music app by Natalie Grant.  It is a newly released live arrangement she did with the worship arts team at The Belonging Co. Church in Nashville, TN this year.  First glance, I thought oh, it's probably just another lovely arrangement of the hymn I have known and loved all my life.  Nope, God has perfect timing in a moment and with a song.  This song, this thing met me in a moment I didn't know I needed and I was reminded of the perfectly powerful and potent presence of my God in my car tonight and as I pulled into my driveway and the garage door went up-the tears fell, my praise went up and the loving comfort of my Father came upon me.  I have struggled for some time, wrestled in my mind and heart with God, asking Him what is the point of this disease that He is allowing to destroy my Mom little by little?  I have agonized over the why, why would you let this happen to this amazing, kindhearted, abundantly loving, endlessly giving, absolutely joy-filled woman?  Why God, haven't you healed her and made her whole-because I believe in miracles and I believe You are the God who can do the impossible!  And then the depth of my fear hits me, one of the things that has brought me the greatest sense of despair through this....what if Mom doesn't know who God is anymore?  What if she loses the ability to comprehend her own saving faith in Christ?  How do I explain to her the sheer comfort of knowing the Savior, the One she can turn her eyes to and look to, and sense that fullness, the enveloping light of His full glory and grace?  

I am more aware tonight than any other moment in my life, of how desperately I need the Lord.  I have no control of what is happening to my Mom, and that loss of control, of thinking somehow we can fix this, we can figure this out, we can manage this ourselves-that realization is a force that can literally bring you to your knees.  It's hard to get back up through this, there are days that leave me white-knuckled as I am gripping to what feels like the edge of a cliff over a very deep, dark, bottomless pit that will swallow me and I am likely to never climb out of.  But somehow, as I am shaking in my last ounce of strength, squinting through the tears, gasping for breath and about to lose my grip....my God.  Here He is, pulling me to His arms, fully embracing me when I think I've met an end.  I can't comprehend why He allows this thing to linger, why my Mom has to go through this.  I find myself often praying, "God please just take her home with you!  Why does she have to endure another minute of this?!"  And then there are moments, glimmers of her like I saw just tonight, in the sound of her voice, the way she said she loved me and the look in her eyes that I could tell for just a moment she did recognize me....and He spoke to me through those moments.  He reminded me through that time with her, "This is why."  So, instead of losing hope, somehow it is found once again because I turned my gaze to the Father and saw for a moment precisely why He does what He does for us in this life.  It's enough for me for tonight, it is what has brought me to peace and release so that I can sleep.  Thank you Father, for reminding me the strength and healing that comes from praising You even in the midst of my grief.  You are faithful, loving, and never failing.