An unexpected turn
Over this past year, I have witnessed a transformation in my Mom that is nothing short of heartbreaking. This woman who hoped and prayed for me, birthed me, raised me, nurtured and influenced me as a woman, wife, and mother ..... she is literally fading before my eyes. It is as if a stranger is taking my Mother's place, someone I no longer recognize. The joy in her voice, the light in her eyes, the kindness and love that bubbles out of her when you are just in the room with her ..... I am struggling to keep hold of that. I am not sure how to describe it, but it's like a warm and cozy blanket, slipping away from me and I am trying desperately to keep my grasp on it because I know if I let go then she is gone. I have been thinking over this holiday, memories randomly popping into my head of her and the simple things like having a conversation about my kids on the phone or baking something with her in the kitchen. Mom always had a monologue of advice for me, whether I wanted to hear it or not, she'd give it. So many times I responded with a sigh, and "I know, Mom". As a teenager that was always met with her response, "No, you don't know." And as I got older, I learned to appreciate and respond to her with greater patience and an acknowledgement of her knowing best. I am remembering the moments I was at my worst, and she was at her best. Late nights up praying for me, when I didn't know it. Hard conversations where I didn't respond to her and Dad because I was so absorbed in my own world and thought my only solution was to run away. I am thankful for the more recent years we have had, and conversations at the dinner table with Mom, before the Dementia started to take her away from me, in which I was able to look into her eyes, see her fully and say, " I am so thankful for you and for all you have given, how you have influenced me and encouraged me and advocated for me all my life. Thank you for being there for me, for loving me and supporting me through it all." I choose to believe deep down, where the Dementia cannot touch her, that is tucked away and she knows just how much I love her.
When I drove my Mom to the Dementia care program just a couple days ago, I struggled with how to tell her where we were going. She thought I was simply taking her home. God helped me find a way, and so I chose to tell her as we pulled into the parking lot, "Mom, we are just going to make a stop before going home. Okay?" She responded simply, "Oh, okay." She had a look on her face as if we were simply going to visit a friend or something, no idea what to expect. She didn't protest, she didn't ask me any questions, she simply sat looking out the window with her purse in her lap. As we parked, we both got out of the car, checked to make sure we both had what we needed, and I took her hand as we walked together to the front entry. The Director and two of her nursing staff were waiting for us at the door, and we were made to feel welcomed and supported right away. Mom didn't look at me or say a word to me, she greeted them with her sweet smile and kindness that we all know too well. For a moment, it felt like she was Mom. The emotional toll hit me and nearly put me on the ground as she stepped into the entry way and I had to call to her to say goodbye, because I could not go in with her due to COVID. She turned and looked at me with the expression of a curious child, wide-eyed but no recognition of me. I said, "Mom, I love you and I will see you soon. Okay?" and she simply said, "I love you too, okay" and turned to walk on in with the nurses. The brief conversation I had with the Director felt surreal and I struggled to focus as I stood there trying to control my sobbing, but I was able to hear her say "This is a very hard thing you are doing but it is a good thing for you and for your Mom. Go and get some rest and know that she is going to be okay." ( I am paraphrasing, honestly can't remember precisely what she said, but that's the nutshell.) As I turned and walked to my car, gasping for breath and sobbing, I couldn't imagine a worse feeling in that moment. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I have experienced heartbreak in my life, but not like this. This was a brokenness I have not felt before. I cannot imagine how anyone experiences and endures this without God. I cannot imagine how I'll ever get through any of this without God. When I am in the pit of grief and struggling to deal with the reality of my Mom's condition, all I know to do is call on Jesus. I cannot explain it, but even in the worst moments I have experienced these past few days I know the hope of Christ. I know He is with me, and I have sensed His comfort and peace unlike any other time in my life before.
My Dad shared with me over the weekend in a late night conversation, about a season in his life when he was desperately clinging to hope and nearly lost his grip. He spoke about hope, grace and the realization of just what God has provided for us in our time on this earth. We cannot go through any season of this life alone, we truly need each other to share in the joys and sorrows that come our way. I am abundantly blessed and comforted to know the great circle of support and love surrounding me and my family. Thank you on behalf of my family, my brother Michael and my Dad especially, for walking with us through this. We love you and we are thankful for you.
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