Resilient

‘I've had moments where I thought I wouldn't heal, or untangle myself, or get a better view of myself and of them. I've had long periods of time where I've felt flattened by an experience, but I have always been able to rise again. And that's what makes me resilient. My resiliency is mine. It is the only unbreakable part of me and is what makes me capable of Love even with a mountain to climb.’ (Stephanie Moors, Yoga Lifestyle)

This current season of life is proving to be one of the most unpredictable I’ve experienced. As Ryan and I edge ever closer to the big 5-0 in a few years(I think we should celebrate this one with a trip to Hawaii, don’t you?!), we are learning how to let go of some things and to embrace some things that life is handing to us. Maybe in a few more years I’ll be able to open up more about these “things” but for now, I'm gonna do my best to share the process with minimal details.

I felt for the longest time in my life, my happiness and my confidence came from knowing I was loved and accepted by my family and my friends. If someone was upset with me, hurt by me, angry with me, well, I couldn’t let it go. Especially if it was a reaction to something I tried to do to help. I’m a helper. I really like to help, and when I see a need, I want to do everything I can to make it better. Sometimes, help is welcomed and appreciated. But sometimes, it is met with a boundary line drawn in the sand, and a reaction that leaves me feeling deeply wounded. It’s hard not to take it personally, because my intent was misunderstood. I’m heartbroken, because I realize right away I’ve overstepped and perhaps gone too far. I’m left with this crippling feeling of regret for having ever said anything at all and immediately analyzing everything I said and did to deserve that reaction. This is the point in the emotional spiral, when I am so thankful God makes His presence known in me. As my hands go up and I realize how helpless I am, His grace and mercy come over me. And I realize, I can’t do anything more, but He can do far more than I and already is at work in that situation. I know I’m going to trip over myself many times in this life, try desperately to do the right thing, and perhaps try too hard to fix something that isn’t mine to fix. I’m thankful for a God who loves me and knows the intent my heart, in spite of my tendency to go a little too far sometimes. I am thankful for the loving and affirming accountability by those in my immediate circle of support, because without them, I’d be stuck in the mess of it a whole lot longer.

I’ve had moments like this one that resulted in a relationship drifting apart, losing touch with that person entirely. Still others that resulted in the necessity for space immediately, but a mending came years later. I know my experience in this current season, like seasons in the past, will only serve to make me far more resilient to face what is yet ahead. I believe we all have opportunity handed to us to improve upon ourselves in every experience, but especially the most difficult ones. We can either let it sink us and define us, or we can take from it what was learned and use it to move forward.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 NIV