It's late, kids are getting settled in to bed and baby Chloe is asleep for at least an hour and a half so I am getting this in while I can. What a week. We've had a great visit with both of our families in Missouri, some much needed rest and relaxation. Unlike other trips we are headed home with some added stress. After today Ryan is officially among the unemployed. I still have about 3 weeks of maternity leave to go before I return to work. I am not sure how to describe what we are both feeling right now. It would be very easy to get overwhelmed by the unknown: fear, anxiety, stress can literally have weight to it in moments like this. You can feel it in our conversations, it can at times bear down heavily on the mind and heart. I honestly don't feel like doing this right now, and I can say I am just too tired to deal with it. I would much rather not even think about it. More than anything I wish so much I could snap my fingers and fix this for Ryan. He deserves so much better than what life has handed him. But, I can honestly say looking back at each and every valley we have had to walk through, it was necessary and it was beneficial. It was hard, but it was so good to help grow us, stretch us, challenge us to be better than we were. What happens when you find yourself saying to God, "I don't want to do this anymore! I don't feel like doing this, and I don't know how much more I can take!" I can't read Ryan's mind, but I wonder if he is experiencing as much anger and frustration as I am. Some days are better than others, and this particular valley we are walking right now is turning out to be a real doozy. It is true that we are at war with the enemy every single day, because he is always watching for an opportunity to create havoc and mess things up. He could really be having a big time in our lives right now if we let him. Somehow, some way we manage to get through each day clinging to the promises God has made. We are in his hands, we are blessed, we are able to trust Him completely to care for our needs. I keep going back to Jeremiah 29:11, in my mind remembering that He really does intend for us to prosper, to have hope and a future. When I am at my worst, I manage in the darkest of moments to cling to the love God has for me, and the knowledge that He is able to and will do a mighty work in my life. This moment, this day is intended to be a marker in our journey. We must choose to have faith, to believe God is in control.
Joy and Light
Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come. We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing. When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived. I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm. I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it. My brain understood she was gone, no longer there. But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once. It felt like time kind of stopped, so I could have a moment to take it all in, co
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