I had the best time last weekend at the Women of Faith conference in Indy. I went with some ladies from church and we had so much fun. I think it was one of the best conferences I have been to. There were so many great speakers, the music was awesome and I was truly blessed. There are days when I feel like it really sucks to be a woman, especially when I am stressed out, emotionally exhausted, and just plain tired of having to keep up the pace and keep everyone happy. I can't be super woman, and I will not claim to be. This is my disclaimer right here: I am not perfect, I will most definitely screw up more often than I get it right and I refuse to give in to the pressure of keeping up with every other woman around me. I am a bit of a perfectionist, come by that naturally thanks to my Dad, and so the whole struggle to be perfect is a daily thing. I hate to say it but even at 38 years old I still feel the need-although I do not like to admit it-to please others. I don't get as overwhelmed and stressed out by that need as often as I did 20 years ago but it is definitely still there. As I am getting older and see how really stupid people can be, I am learning to let it go and live my life to please one person. God. He has great expectations of me. I don't want to let him down, but I can move forward with confidence in knowing that even if I do screw up--He is there to pick me up and help me find His way again. Did you get that? His way, not my way. How easy is it for us to go, "Okay, God, I know you have my best in mind but what about this? This could be really good for me. Can't you make this one thing happen for me?" We watched a great video skit Sunday at the conclusion of the sermon that went right along with our pastor's message about struggling to be perfect, to please God, and then to let Him have His way with us. It was painful to watch but it was so good. I think it made us all take a hard look at ourselves and how we view God, and how we try to put Him in a nice little package. We can't do that to Him, but instead we have to let Him do His will in us. That means we are going to be chiseled, molded, shaped into what He wants us to be. It is not pleasant, and in fact, it is likely to be a very painful and heart breaking process. I don't want it, but I know I need it. I have to choose daily to turn my thoughts, my actions, my worries and fears over to Him. I have to trust and obey Him with my life completely. How easy is that? It is not. I had my check up on Monday and it was good, except we couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. My doctor was not worried, and in fact reassured me that everything was fine and we scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow. Today I have been wandering in and out of concern, but I am not worried. I give God the credit for that. I know He is taking care of us, that He will work it out according to His good and perfect will. I know He has a plan, regardless of how I see it.
Joy and Light
Early Tuesday morning January 2, 2024, I got a call that my Mom was slipping away and the family should come. We knew she was not doing well these past couple of weeks as she had developed pneumonia and covid, and she was struggling just to manage breathing. When I arrived, the nurse brought me in to Mom's bedside, and quietly stepped out to give me some time alone with her before my Dad and my brother arrived. I cried like I have never cried before in my life, and went to my knees beside her, resting my hand on her arm. I have no words to describe what it felt like in that moment, the finality and the reality of it. My brain understood she was gone, no longer there. But my heart, regardless of how far gone Mom had been for years now..... my heart was suddenly flooded with the feelings, the sounds, the memories of her across my entire life, rushing through my head in that moment all at once. It felt like time kind of stopped, so I could have a moment to take it all in, co
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