Fog...when will it clear?
I realize that for most people, today will come and go like any ordinary day. For me, it would have been true. But now, in light of what I have experienced recently, I am taking each day more slowly, wondering when the fog will lift. I have to admit I have had some really good moments the past 24 hours. Physically, I am not doing so good since this sinus infection began yesterday. I have been out from work nearly a week now, so it has been odd to be out of touch with what is my usual routine. I am realizing there is a certain comfort that comes with routine, no matter how mundane it may be. It is amazing how one experience can effect your outlook on your life. Perhaps that is why God allows these things to happen.
I had a miscarriage five days ago, and for the first time I can put it into words that are visible and legible on my blog. My body is still taking care of itself, so I am slowly recouperating from the loss. I know it is something I will process for many days beyond this first week. I am finding comfort in my God, in His Word and through the love and support of my sweet husband Ryan, and my family and the few friends we have felt comfortable sharing it with. I am comfortable sharing it here, because I know at whatever point someone chooses to stumble upon my blog, it could be something they need to hear today. I know beyond this week, I will find purpose in this that will enable me to look back and see the reason more clearly. I have experienced some very strong feelings: sadness, loneliness, hurt, disappointment, confusion and some guilt. I went through the what if's as to how it happened, what could I have done to contribute to it, what could I have done differently to prevent it? The answers came quickly and I know it was reassurance not only from my doctor, but from those around me who have experienced it and from my Lord, who provides the peace that passes all human understanding. In my heart I know, beyond the fog that still remains, somehow there is a purpose. I know the fog will clear completely, but for now I will embrace the peace He provides that I am going to be okay. I know that this precious life that I carried for a hand full of weeks is in the arms of Jesus and I will meet them one day when we are all in heaven. I know that my heart longs for another child more strongly than before, and I trust that God will prepare me and Ryan for the right time one day. I read in my quiet time today in Phillipians about living without complaining, but to instead choose to live a life of joy even in the midst of difficulty. My brain cannot comprehend this concept, but when I ponder the way the Holy Spirit has worked in my life already, I know it is true and believe it. I know I need to give myself time, and that this will pass as I grow stronger each day. There is an unspeakable depth to the effect this type of life experience has on the heart and soul. It hurts my brain to attempt to understand, so I have to stop myself and somehow embrace the unknown, let go and let God take care of it all. The fog has not lifted, and may not clear for awhile but when I cannot see or need help along the way I know God is there to take my hand and lead me. I am thankful for that today.
I had a miscarriage five days ago, and for the first time I can put it into words that are visible and legible on my blog. My body is still taking care of itself, so I am slowly recouperating from the loss. I know it is something I will process for many days beyond this first week. I am finding comfort in my God, in His Word and through the love and support of my sweet husband Ryan, and my family and the few friends we have felt comfortable sharing it with. I am comfortable sharing it here, because I know at whatever point someone chooses to stumble upon my blog, it could be something they need to hear today. I know beyond this week, I will find purpose in this that will enable me to look back and see the reason more clearly. I have experienced some very strong feelings: sadness, loneliness, hurt, disappointment, confusion and some guilt. I went through the what if's as to how it happened, what could I have done to contribute to it, what could I have done differently to prevent it? The answers came quickly and I know it was reassurance not only from my doctor, but from those around me who have experienced it and from my Lord, who provides the peace that passes all human understanding. In my heart I know, beyond the fog that still remains, somehow there is a purpose. I know the fog will clear completely, but for now I will embrace the peace He provides that I am going to be okay. I know that this precious life that I carried for a hand full of weeks is in the arms of Jesus and I will meet them one day when we are all in heaven. I know that my heart longs for another child more strongly than before, and I trust that God will prepare me and Ryan for the right time one day. I read in my quiet time today in Phillipians about living without complaining, but to instead choose to live a life of joy even in the midst of difficulty. My brain cannot comprehend this concept, but when I ponder the way the Holy Spirit has worked in my life already, I know it is true and believe it. I know I need to give myself time, and that this will pass as I grow stronger each day. There is an unspeakable depth to the effect this type of life experience has on the heart and soul. It hurts my brain to attempt to understand, so I have to stop myself and somehow embrace the unknown, let go and let God take care of it all. The fog has not lifted, and may not clear for awhile but when I cannot see or need help along the way I know God is there to take my hand and lead me. I am thankful for that today.
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