Losing control

I was reminded this past weekend, I have so much to learn yet about my Father’s full and abundant purpose for my life. Specifically, the ongoing and very painful lesson for me is losing control. I am not sure at what precise moment I clamped down, set my grip on what I thought was control of my life. Through a series of losses we experienced personally the past 6 years, I allowed a shift to occur in my relationship with God. I was tired, frustrated, angry, fed up and determined it was going to be different from this point forward. I wasn’t avoiding any ownership of what we had experienced, it was certainly realized. But, I also wasn’t able to forgive, work through it and move on to the place God intended for me. That unfortunately took years for me to accept. I chose to rely more upon my own strength than to release and draw upon the strength residing in me all along from Holy Spirit.

Recently, I have been settling into a new job. It has been a challenging start, and I did not fully realize that with this new opportunity would come a renewal of that lesson in control for me. We attended worship with family Saturday night, and the message that was given brought me to the necessary place of release. He asked us to consider what was weighing us down, holding us back, write it down on the card provided to us. I knew right away and didn’t hesitate to write it down. I knew it, but even as I wrote it down, I stared at it and thought: I don’t know if I can let this go. The bucket came, and I dropped it in but kind of had to restrain myself from digging it right back out. As the visual and the lyrical met in the conclusion of that service, I found myself connecting again with the Father, recognizing it is necessary once and for all to recognize the abundance found in releasing it all and trusting Him. As Sunday morning came, we entered into worship with our home church, and I settled into the familiar pace of leading worship beside Ryan-I nearly missed the completion of His message to me. I needed to embrace the brokenness in myself, to fully appreciate the abundance He had for me all along. It is a far easier thing to sit in the comfort of our human habits like that need for control, rather than to trust Him fully and reside in His presence. One of my struggles, my fears in leading worship, is the possibility of losing control. I don’t want my loss of control to distract someone from the message God has for them. The trouble is, I get so focused on being the vessel, being the instrument for His use, I could miss the message He has for me. And sometimes, the message He has for me requires that I lose control and let Him have His way in me. It’s funny how He uses the very things that could potentially distract us—forgetting lyrics, singing the wrong part, microphones not working, lights malfunctioning, whatever could go wrong going wrong-as a means to seat us precisely where we need to be. I’m learning again and again throughout my life, God’s intent for me to not be in control, and in fact to be okay with a lack of control. He has it all well in His hands, I can trust Him. He is good, He really is.

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