I haven't blogged in a little while and I am sorry to say it is because I have been so busy, and just felt I didn't have a lot to say. We are settled in to our new home in Springfield, Missouri, new jobs, new life, new start. I am thankful, truly thankful for what God has provided. I should be really excited, but I find myself just plain tired. Can you relate? It's just life, and I am struggling more so now than any other time in my life to find a balance, to carry the joy I know I should throughout my day. I try very hard to live my life in obedience and with an active, authentic faith, and I know there are many times I don't get it right--the times I do, I feel a sense of peace and accomplishment that I've somehow met a goal. I know I am not perfect, and I know I am extremely flawed, so I hope that the mistakes I make, and what I have learned from them can somehow be a helpful lesson to someone else. I am struggling today with the weight of our reality. That while we are doing good, making slow but steady progress, I am burdened by what we face still. I have been spending too much time this last week dwelling on what could have been or what I'd hoped would be by this point in my life. How sad is that? And why does it make me feel not just like a failure in so many ways, but guilty because I feel like I am at fault? I don't like feeling this way, and as if the only way I can deal with it is to crawl into a dark place in my closet, close the door and cry. I struggle with this battle between my heart and my head: I know what I am doing is right and necessary (head) but I would much rather being doing something else that is more worthwhile, more enjoyable, more of what I am truly called to do.(heart) It is hard to be called to something, but not have the freedom to pursue it because life has gotten in the way. One of the things I feel called to is counseling, specifically troubled teenagers. I want to be part of the solution, meet the needs by offering services to them when and where they need it most, in those critical years when there is such an intense war going on to discover their inner confidence, their identity, their security in society and relationships, and just a basic support system particularly when there may not be much support at home. My biggest struggle with that desire right now is finding the motivation and the time to pursue the additional education I need to make that dream a reality. I have started looking at what I need to do and I've talked with several advisors, so now I have to decide when the time is right and when I am truly ready to pursue it. I think, given my state of being tonight, and because I have returned to this state more often in the last two years, I need to start taking serious steps toward it and just do it. If you are reading this, struggling with some of the same questions that I am, I'd love to hear from you. We can all inspire and encourage one another as we each walk the journey that is before us. I know what I need to do, and it is up to me to pursue it. I just need the motivation to go for it. Pray for me as I consider what is next for me. I love my life, and I am thankful for what God has provided, but I can't help feeling like I am meant for more than this. Here's a great quote I came upon tonight. I hope it inspires you in your life pursuit, whatever that may be. Just keep in mind God's hand in this because He is in control, He has our very best in mind.

“Every day, a new opportunity to decide where your next step will go is given to you. Your future will be determined by the accumulation of these daily decisions. You control your steps and therefore your destiny, so choose wisely.” (Kevin Ngo)
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my Ebenezer...

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