Refresh, Renew, Re-focus

Spring is here, well, at least I hope it is here to stay and we don't have some freakish weather coming in April. I am enjoying this above average weather, how warm it has been and it is truly uplifting to the mood. I have been completely unmotivated to blog for awhile. The last couple months have been some of my hardest. I have found myself hitting a wall emotionally, spiritually, mentally. Thanks to some help from family and friends and my doctor I have found some relief. I am hoping in time to see progress with my ability to manage life, cope with the stress and anxiety that is the norm for us. I have not lost hope, but I am finding I have more moments that God seems to be very silent and unresponsive. I realize this is my interpretation and that in fact He hasn't gone anywhere, He is still with me. My humanity, my brain seems to be interfering a lot more with the willingness of my heart to trust God and allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through me. I am very much aware of God's deep and abiding love for me, and I have not lost sight of His purpose for me. The struggle is with the day to day waiting, wondering when the change is going to come. When are we going to be where we want so desperately to be? We know this is not it, we know we are not going to be in Brazil, Indiana for long but in terms of the knowing how long and where we are headed--that is the frustration. Daily I ask the Lord, "What more do you require of us? How long? When will that moment we've been praying for, dreaming of finally present itself?" We don't know, but He does. So, we are left to give it up, somehow be okay with not knowing and the silence that seems to follow as we wait. We know we need to trust Him and He will take care of it in His good time, but it is hard. Those of you who have been in a position similar to us know exactly what I am talking about. I am well aware of how truly useful we are right where we are, and we have seen blessing after blessing occur as we've kept ourselves planted and growing in some wonderful relationships. God is good to continue to take care of our needs and use us even when we feel we are not exactly where we are meant to be or would like to be. I know the time in between is when we are being stretched, pulled, challenged and grown in preparation for what He has for us to do in our next ministry. Ministry is not just about where we serve in a job, but how we live out each day. First and foremost God has called us to love Him and to love one another as He loves us. There is no greater calling because as a result of that, we can grow the Kingdom and bring others to choose a relationship with Christ. I know how incapable I am on my own, but with Christ--nothing is impossible! There are many days when I would much rather curl up into a ball and not face the world or what I must accomplish, but by forcing myself to get up and cling to Christ, trust His ability in and through me, I can go on. I can make a difference. I can find peace and strength in knowing that He is in control and has my best in mind.
Please continue to pray for Ryan and I as we work, wait and pray. Ryan is still seeking a full time worship ministry opportunity and we have yet to see any progress after nearly 15 months. We appreciate your encouragement, your loving support, your advice and your prayers. We will keep you updated as we watch God's plan unfold in the days ahead.
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my Ebenezer...

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