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Showing posts from August, 2009

Beautiful Day

It is a beautiful Saturday morning and I am about to go to my mission trip meeting/training. I am looking forward to it, and I have been praying daily that God continues to prepare my heart for this trip. I know He has something precious to teach me, not sure what yet. The past week or so I have been through a miriad of emotions. When I realized I was pregnant, I questioned going on the trip then I began to come up with all these scenarios of how to handle it all and not tell anyone until after the trip. I kept thinking I don't want anyone to worry, to be put in a position to make exceptions for me. As the possibilities whirled in my mind, the weekend arrived and it all changed. Since the miscarriage, I don't think I have gained any new perspective but I continue to return to the theme of joy and thanksgiving. I know it can only come from the Father, because it is not in my human capacity to grasp that right now. This morning I was reminded as I looked at the familiar…

Fog...when will it clear?

I realize that for most people, today will come and go like any ordinary day. For me, it would have been true. But now, in light of what I have experienced recently, I am taking each day more slowly, wondering when the fog will lift. I have to admit I have had some really good moments the past 24 hours. Physically, I am not doing so good since this sinus infection began yesterday. I have been out from work nearly a week now, so it has been odd to be out of touch with what is my usual routine. I am realizing there is a certain comfort that comes with routine, no matter how mundane it may be. It is amazing how one experience can effect your outlook on your life. Perhaps that is why God allows these things to happen.
I had a miscarriage five days ago, and for the first time I can put it into words that are visible and legible on my blog. My body is still taking care of itself, so I am slowly recouperating from the loss. I know it is something I will process for many days beyond …

Loss and despair--what is the difference?

I read in my quiet time this morning as Paul was imprisoned, how he prayed, hoped, pleaded and encouraged the people to stand strong and firm in their faith and to serve God, spreading the Good News with humility rather than pride. He asked them to examine their hearts, their motivation, as to their purpose....there should be no arrogance, no pride, no selfish reason for making their beliefs known to the world. Even in the midst of his imprisonment, he was not thinking at all about himself. I have considered this week where my life should go as a result of what I have experienced. I could allow myself to sink into despair, become overwhelmed with grief and loss and sit in it, wallow for as long as I want. What is the good in that though? So, I am left to ask, "God, what is your purpose for my life as a result of this experience?" "Why did you allow this to happen?" "What should I gain from it?" I am still wondering, and I am certain the answers w…

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord...

I was thinking just now about a song I heard and sang as a girl, an older Christian favorite by Evie. I have heard more recently a remake of it by Selah, an arrangement with the hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour". So beautiful, such words of depth and longing, that speaks to my heart and soul. I have had a very hard few days recently, experienced a loss I did not expect to face in my life. I know that despite how my heart and mind processes it, God has a purpose for it. I don't know how I would endure this without my faith. It is a peace that passes all understanding, something I cannot put into words. He knows my needs, and He has met me right where I needed Him to. I know this will pass and in the midst of this healing I will find new strength to move forward. God always provides, and when I cannot take another step I know He will be there to carry me. In my weakness, He is strong so knowing that I can take another step forward.

"When I think I'm going un…

Second verse, same as the first....

So here I am, another Monday, returned from a great mini vacay with the fam and no motivation whatsoever. I am tired, would have loved to sleep in and be lazy all day but my expanding mid section is getting in the way. It is bugging me, reminding me it is absolutely time to get real with my health. I have seen my mom and other women go through this as they approached their 40s, so I know the battle I face. I have jumped back on the weight loss wagon today and as unhappy as it makes me to resist all the yummy food I enjoy, I will choose wisely and get this dad gum weight off! It is a cycle I keep going through, and it is ridiculous. I need to change, I know that, it just continues to be harder to stick with as I get older. As I look at the years ahead of me, I want to feel better physically, have clarity mentally, and treat my body as the temple God has created it to be. I will move forward and I will improve myself a little at a time. Nobody said it was ever going to be easy.…