Freedom through obedience: The hard but right choice

I am not letting go until You bless me!

Genesis 32:22-32 Jacob wrestles with an angel of God.

Have you found yourself at a place in your life, where you have felt like you are wrestling with God? I have! I am very strong willed, stubborn and outspoken and I tend to go at life with determination. I like for everything to be in its place and organized. I am fairly flexible when change comes, map out a new plan, adjust and move forward. I will not fail, I will not back down. I am determined. Did I say that already? Yep. So, I can identify with the story of Jacob because in some ways I have found myself wrestling over one thing or another in my life when it comes to God's purpose for me. I know what I'm capable of, what my skills and my gifts are. I get my mind made up, pray it over with God and when He gives the green light I don't slow down. I'm on a path, I am moving forward. What happens when the circumstances of life throw us off our path, our certainty is shaken, and even though God is not moved by it, we are and so we stop. We question, we worry, we panic. God, what happened here and what does this mean in terms of the path to meet my goals? How do I move forward now, because this is too hard, and I don't understand why it is happening now? I thought I had it figured out, and perhaps that's the point when I realize, I think I know God but truth is---I don't. Truth is, we will not fully know God in our lifetime. Our life long quest as Christ-followers is to know God. Is it hard for you to wrap your mind around that, because I have to admit it is for me! I think as Christ-followers, it is easy to get confident in what we think we know, and our outward appearance exudes this confidence that we have it all together, we are full of the knowledge of Christ, we are strong, we are confident, and we are complete. To an extent, yes, Christ does complete us because we are forgiven, we are a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come. With our new salvation, we must recognize that it is only the beginning of our lifetime of achieving righteousness and wholeness in Christ. So, as I am wrestling with God recently, this new awakening I am experiencing in my faith journey, the reality of my weakness hits me like a brick wall. I have for far too long fought to hold on to what I thought I had control of, what I thought I needed to control because forces within my life had failed me and I felt I had to step up and lead where others had failed. I realize and can testify to this today: I am nothing without Christ. I can try with all my might, heels dug in, white knuckled, and teeth gritting down hard, muscles pushed to the point of absolute shaken fatigue, but.....I will fail every single time when I don't give it up and recognize the power of Christ is what truly compels me. I cannot boast in anything but the power of Christ in my life. I can wrestle with God and resist His complete power in my life, insisting that somehow my own plan will work well because it's just so well thought out and organized but it is only when I reach the point of breaking....I can fully embrace the power God has provided to me all along!

Like Jacob, I sense God speaking new life into me in this season, that in fact I have wrestled with Him and I am coming through! I may be limping a bit the next day, because I tend to fight with all my might, the human will is stubborn! I am so certain, so expectant of what God has for my life, so I will take my firm grasp from what I think I know to what I truly know, that I know, that I know....that God's ways are so much better than my own. I cannot fully fathom His ways, His understanding is beyond my complete comprehension. I cannot claim to have seen an angel of God or God himself face to face, but I can claim that Christ has won me and my affections, and He has my full and complete trust and obedience! It is hard to admit at 42 years old I have more freedom in my faith than any time in my life before now. It is hard to break out of a mindset that we develop over time, by the way we are raised and our childhood influences, by what others tell us is best. Advice and wisdom from those we love and admire is good, but God knows best. We have a choice in life, I have a choice to balance what I know and consider the wisdom of my Father: His wisdom and guidance should be the priority and all others are secondary.

I am not done wrestling with God. I know I have some things in my spirituality yet to work through, but in time I intend to be made stronger, made wise, made more into what my Father God has always intended for me to be. His. Fully and completely, His. I am not there yet, but I am closer than I was before.

What are you wrestling with today? Work it out with God, consider what He has to say and to do in your heart and soul, to mold you more and more into the Beautiful You He has always intended for you to be! I want to live to tell my story, all that the Father will do in me yesterday, today and tomorrow because I know His plan for my life is far beyond what I have in mind.
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