Hold on....

There are moments in life when I think, okay, I can breathe a sigh of relief and call it good. Then there are moments in life when utter chaos seems to be the norm. Well, I am entering a whole new season with my family right now and in the next couple months that caused me to have a moment of near breakdown last night.

If you know our story at all, well, the short of it is we are still coming out of a season of financial recovery. We are making slow but steady progress, not as much progress at this point as we would have liked, but progress none the less. We have been counseled, and shared similar struggles with dear friends who have been through a similar season, understanding and encouraging us because the reality is this recovery takes years. The past 18 months roughly, Ryan has been considering a number of job opportunities in both secular and religious sectors, but as God has directed us along the way, doors have closed one after another. As we prayed, sought advice from family and dear friends, we found ourselves seriously considering the timing may be just right for him to finally start back to school. As God would direct it, an opportunity opened up for Ryan to lead occasionally with a new church plant in the area, and over time Ryan was approached and offered a part time position with them. At roughly the same time, details started falling into place for Ryan as he re-applied to MSU, was accepted and registered for classes for the Fall of 2016 semester.

I am certain we can handle what is coming with Ryan starting back to college this Fall, but at the same time part of me is absolutely freaking out. I know God has got this, that it is absolutely His plan for us, but I have moments of sheer exasperation sometimes because I cannot handle not knowing it all. The lack of control, it is terrifying for me. And, as much as I love him, at times that look on Ryan’s face when I launch into a discussion about what is coming in the next month, 3 months, year ahead and how we need to plan for it---I simply want to shake him. Reality is we are different in our approach to this area in our marriage. So I have learned over the years to recognize that look on his face and dial it down, listen more than I talk, until we are ultimately on the same page with the understanding that God’s got this. God has it all well in His hands, and we do not need to know all of the details. I don’t like that, but I have learned as I have gotten older and as I have progressed in my faith walk, to release it and trust Him. Last night I didn’t do so well in this area.

I don’t trust well, and I don’t know very many people who do trust well. It seems to be something I find far more difficult as I get older and in our society. It was easy when we were kids because we had nothing to worry about. I’m thankful to know I have a Father God whom I can trust at all times. That has always been a constant in my life and will be one of the things I boast about most when it comes to sharing my faith with others. Even when life gets freakishly impossible, I can run to Him and know it’s okay. They key is to let go, release to Him. When life gets hard, my natural reaction is to hold tight. As a follower of Christ, my natural reaction should be to open my hands and let go, let go to the Father who holds tight to me. He never lets go, He never fails, He is always faithful. I know I can trust Him, and the reality is I am convinced now more than ever I need to go a step deeper into my time with Him.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, and in the midst of my mind swirling with the unending list of things I must accomplish in my life day to day, it is quite simply enough to speak His name. Remember His name. Delight in His name. Jesus. My faithful friend, constant Companion, loving and compassionate Father, all powerful and mighty King. That’s when I can really let go. That’s when I can open my hands and accept the peace and assurance of the Holy Spirit. That’s when my heart is truly at ease, and sleep comes at last. The struggle within my humanity is real, but so is the Father’s deep love for me!

In the night, LORD, I remember your name,
that I may keep your law.
This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.
You are my portion, LORD; I have promised to obey your words.
(Psalm 119:55-57)

Post a Comment

my Ebenezer...

“…Thus far the Lord has helped us.”-1 Samuel 7:12 There are moments in my life when I look back and can see how God in His perfect yet my...