The state of things....

Third cup of coffee and yet I could crawl back in bed and go right to sleep. The reality of having a new baby still has not set in and I am certain when I return to work April 12 it is not going to change overnight. Being tired is part of life for awhile. I am counting the days I have left on maternity leave more so now than 2 weeks ago because I can't believe how little of it is left. Ryan is unemployed and we have no real job offers for him yet. He has a lot of prospects, but once again we are in that familiar zone of waiting. Waiting on God. I find as I get older I am really, really bad at this patience thing. For several days now, well, let's be honest, for several weeks I have been dealing with a lot of anger and just plain frustration with our situation and with God. I find myself questioning and crying out to Him more than I am finding moments of peace and reassurance. I know what His Word says, I have heard any number of reminders from family and friends of what God will do for us, what we need to do in the waiting, oh and my favorite, "Just the right job is going to come along in His perfect timing." I am not weathering this storm very well it seems. I am trying very hard to keep a pleasant face and some kind of positive outlook on life but the stress, anxiety and my lack of sleep I am sure all have a huge impact on my physical state which undoubtedly is effecting my spiritual state. My humanity is crying out, "Why God! What good reason is there for this to happen to us right now?! Where is your purpose in this?!" I don't understand. I do not think there is a good reason for this to have happened. There is just too much that can be seen and felt right now, these past few months that makes me sick, makes me hurt, and just all out leaves me very disappointed in how the people, how God's church is behaving. I honestly am at a point that I am pondering not going back to church. Maybe I need a season away, just to let God work on me in isolation, strip away all that is of no use, all that is cluttering my ability to worship and obey Him with complete abandon. I was reminded today in my devotional of when Jesus told the disciples to cast their nets on the right side of the boat, and that they'd be able to catch the fish (John 21:6). What the author pointed out is, it wasn't about their catching any fish, it was their act of obedience to Him by simply casting their nets that mattered. I picture myself on that boat, and I am not sure that I would have the strength right now to even cast that net. I have had moments many times in my life in which I have thrown that net out with all of my strength and faith, standing on the edge of that boat, watching and waiting with great expectation and enthusiasm, but right now....I feel like I am just sitting in the boat and can't even lift the net. I read something in David Crowder's book, "Praise Habit" this morning about how he came to a place where he could no longer find God in the places he had before. I know He is there, but I think I have some things that are clouding the distance between us and making it more difficult for me to find Him. I know I'll find Him, I know He is there, just waiting to show Himself in a very unexpected way.
It's late, kids are getting settled in to bed and baby Chloe is asleep for at least an hour and a half so I am getting this in while I can. What a week. We've had a great visit with both of our families in Missouri, some much needed rest and relaxation. Unlike other trips we are headed home with some added stress. After today Ryan is officially among the unemployed. I still have about 3 weeks of maternity leave to go before I return to work. I am not sure how to describe what we are both feeling right now. It would be very easy to get overwhelmed by the unknown: fear, anxiety, stress can literally have weight to it in moments like this. You can feel it in our conversations, it can at times bear down heavily on the mind and heart. I honestly don't feel like doing this right now, and I can say I am just too tired to deal with it. I would much rather not even think about it. More than anything I wish so much I could snap my fingers and fix this for Ryan. He deserves so much better than what life has handed him. But, I can honestly say looking back at each and every valley we have had to walk through, it was necessary and it was beneficial. It was hard, but it was so good to help grow us, stretch us, challenge us to be better than we were. What happens when you find yourself saying to God, "I don't want to do this anymore! I don't feel like doing this, and I don't know how much more I can take!" I can't read Ryan's mind, but I wonder if he is experiencing as much anger and frustration as I am. Some days are better than others, and this particular valley we are walking right now is turning out to be a real doozy. It is true that we are at war with the enemy every single day, because he is always watching for an opportunity to create havoc and mess things up. He could really be having a big time in our lives right now if we let him. Somehow, some way we manage to get through each day clinging to the promises God has made. We are in his hands, we are blessed, we are able to trust Him completely to care for our needs. I keep going back to Jeremiah 29:11, in my mind remembering that He really does intend for us to prosper, to have hope and a future. When I am at my worst, I manage in the darkest of moments to cling to the love God has for me, and the knowledge that He is able to and will do a mighty work in my life. This moment, this day is intended to be a marker in our journey. We must choose to have faith, to believe God is in control.

my Ebenezer...

“…Thus far the Lord has helped us.”-1 Samuel 7:12 There are moments in my life when I look back and can see how God in His perfect yet my...