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Showing posts from 2010
I had the best time last weekend at the Women of Faith conference in Indy. I went with some ladies from church and we had so much fun. I think it was one of the best conferences I have been to. There were so many great speakers, the music was awesome and I was truly blessed. There are days when I feel like it really sucks to be a woman, especially when I am stressed out, emotionally exhausted, and just plain tired of having to keep up the pace and keep everyone happy. I can't be super woman, and I will not claim to be. This is my disclaimer right here: I am not perfect, I will most definitely screw up more often than I get it right and I refuse to give in to the pressure of keeping up with every other woman around me. I am a bit of a perfectionist, come by that naturally thanks to my Dad, and so the whole struggle to be perfect is a daily thing. I hate to say it but even at 38 years old I still feel the need-although I do not like to admit it-to please others. I don't get as o…
I am a ball of emotions today for many reasons. We just started sharing with our family and friends this week that we are expecting another baby. This is something we have talked about for about a year now, well, basically since the miscarriage last year. The reality of this new life is beginning to sink in, and I am overwhelmed with a strange sense of joy and fear all at once. I am finding that this is not as enjoyable nor as easy on my 38 year old body as it was just 5 years ago when I had AJ. I go through waves of feeling like I am going to absolutely lose it, and then I am fine. I wonder how I am going to handle having a baby at 39? I wonder how Ryan is going to handle it too? I wonder how the kids will adjust to having a new sibling? I cannot begin to describe in words how raw emotions are in our home right now. I am thankful that our children are comfortable sharing what they are feeling openly and honestly. I am certain that we will continue to ride this rollercoaste…
As I get a little older, I am amazed how much faster time seems to go by. Sunday at church a couple of friends commented on how much my daughter Rylee has grown. It is true, and sometimes I stop and look at her and I am in disbelief. How can she be 13? How can she be going in to 8th grade in a few weeks? I am remembering with a mixture of emotions what I was like at that age. Hormones are raging, intense confrontations over the littlest things occur more often than Ryan and I would care to deal with, and somewhere along the way our little girl is blossoming into a lovely young lady. I keep thinking God has done an amazing work in her life because we can only thank Him for how she is turning out. I know we wouldn't be the parents we are without the example and influence of our parents. Junior High was a difficult time for me, because we moved and I was forced to face some fears--new school, making new friends, finding our place in a new city, new church, new world. Going …

Great Expectation

There are many things I can think of in my life for which I have had great expectation. I remember as a child 2 things I looked forward to with great expectation: Christmas and Summer Vacation. That pretty much held until well into my high school years, possibly college years. As a college student/young single adult, I can remember thinking, "Lord just get me through this so I can graduate and get on with my life!" And of course, "Lord, when are you going to bring a good man in to my life?" and, "Why did he turn out to be such a disappointment/heart breaker/jerk/...___fill in the blank!" Then when it did happen, when I had those moments of sheer joy, of seeing God reveal His plan and His presence in my life, Wow! I can't imagine doing it over any other way! Meeting Ryan, Oh my Gosh! God is so amazing and so good! Our wedding was a dream come true, and diving right into life with every single moment of its ups and downs, who could have plann…

Waiting

Okay, Lord, I know you are tired of hearing this from me but man....I am tired of waiting! I could really use this now, so what is the issue? I'm ready. Go ahead, you can give it to me now.

Anybody else relate to this conversation? I find myself doing it more often than I care to admit and it seems to be getting worse as I get a bit older. My father is a strong, firm and outspoken man but he does not lose his cool very often. He is one of the most patient persons I have ever known. There have been those occasions over the years when he has had his limit and unfortunately, I and a few others have had the rather unpleasant experience of being in the path of his temper. I was on the direct receiving end of it as a college student at one point in my life, and I would rather not re-live that scene again. He was apologetic shortly afterward, chose to be transparent with me and admit his weakness and his temper getting the better of him. It was not pretty, but it was a learning e…

The road

It is a familiar path. It is the path I take daily. The path of life. I know what I have to face, and I tend to wake with a groan, but I manage to put one foot on the floor, and the other soon follows. My motivation to move forward is not from any strength of my own; it is God's. I am certain that without my faith, I would be struggling just to open my eyes to face the morning each day. I know there are people in my own community, people I work with side by side each day who are in this boat. Their only motivation is a paycheck, and what lies beyond the work day. Get me through the next 8 hours, and I can begin to enjoy some part of my day. Get me through the week to Friday, and I'll have the weekend to enjoy. Oh, but then I have to face Monday again. How many of us, even as Christians, get stuck in a little bit of this cycle? I admit, I could easily get stuck in it. Some days I do feel like I am stuck in it, and I would rather crawl under my blanket and huddle in…

A home....

I am astounded how long it has been since my last blog entry. Yikes. The crazy busy side of life has taken me far, far away and it is just sad it has kept me away this long. Blogging is a necessary outlet for me to vent, to unload, to release what is pent up inside me.
First, I am so ready to be done with this house. Don't get me wrong--I am thankful we have a home, a warm bed, food on our table, and the comforts of life. But....I am so ready to find our true home. This has depth in its meaning on so many levels. I am finding as we have journeyed to this point, after Ryan's multiple job losses, losing the house in Tennessee, our marriage being shaken, our faith being tested, our lives being turned upside down as we waited upon God's perfect timing....it was a very unsettling time we went through. There are days I still question how we made it through and what purpose God had for allowing it to happen. That is a rare moment though, because more often I am at peace w…

Jesus, I am resting.....

How appropriate that this week should be particularly trying for me and Easter is approaching. I was thinking this morning on the way to work about how Christ suffered so much for me. He was both human and holy, but he struggled with the very thing he had to do for me that night in the Garden.
Matthew 26:39(NLT) says, "He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."
He struggled with something, just as you and I struggle. There is a battle raging at all times between our humanity and the holiness we strive toward. Some days I feel like it is a harder fight than others, and I want to cave in, hide, give in to the weakness I feel. But--the Holy Spirit lives in me and He lives in you. Because of my decision to become a Christ follower, I have the choice to live as Christ. I have the power in me to help conquer my…

Not there yet...

Okay I made the huge mistake of stepping on the scales this morning. Yikes! Is that really how much I weigh?! Uggh, this is not getting any easier for me. How is it that it goes in so quickly yet it comes off so slowly? I hate that. The older I get I am finding a lot of things are harder to deal with. I can't seem to get the weight off as easily as I did just a few years ago. I can't seem to get enough moisturizer on my skin, the hair on my head is turing grey, and I have these new wirey, dark hairs appearing randomly around my chin and along my jawline, and I am feeling more lumpy and saggy than I ever have in my life. Time is marching on and my body is showing the wear and tear. So, like most women my age I do all I can to fix it--moisturize, pluck, color my hair and if I am lucky get in my work out several days a week and attempt to stick with a sensible eating plan. All this while taking care of my husband, three children, working full time and contributing to m…

Time in between....

I sang this wonderful song in worship today by Francesca Battistelli "The Time In Between" and it was a testimony for me personally. God has been working on me for awhile about some things in my life. Perspective. For several years now I have been getting a whole new perspective on life. Pain, loss, fear, doubt, anger, inadequacy, loneliness, weakness, helplessness...I have bathed in and out of these feelings for some time. At some point over the past year, I have regained my balance, the peace I have needed for so long. It comes as no surprise to me looking back now that the miscarriage has helped me come almost full circle. I say almost because I believe I won't come full circle until I am standing before the Father. I still believe He is working on me, and I have to continue in the circle until He is completely finished with me. There are more bad days than good, but the difference is how I face them. I have found peace and strength in how I begin my day. M…